Thursday, December 28, 2006

Regrets, I've had a few . . .

In all the bands I've played in, I've never played "Rock and Roll All Night" by KISS.

DUI Monopoly?

There has been an anti-drinking-and-driving campaign running here lately. It has drunk drivers tooling down the road with a car full of beer up to their necks. They get pulled over, are asked to step out of the car and all that beer goes spilling out on the policeman's feet.

They use several drivers as examples, and warn us that "if you drink and drive, you WILL get caught."

All of the drunk drivers are middle aged white men.

Why I am not a Republican

I was alive for the last nine months of the Kennedy administration. Obviously, I don't remember him. Then came Johnson. I can't remember much of him, either.

Nixon. Boy do I remember him. I remember Walter Cronkite's Viet Nam body counts every night on the news. I remember Watergate. Boy, do I remember Watergate.

Back in the stone age, before cable, anything important pre-empted regular programming on all three channels. I didn't mind watching all that stuff, I was always a bit of a news junkie. Agnew resigning. Ford being appointed. Nixon resigning.

Ford pardoning him. Even at eleven, I didn't think that was right. Now, almost everyone interviewed on the subject calls it a courageous act, that we didn't want to drag a president into court after all the country had been through. Maybe so. But to an eleven-year-old who had to follow the rules or face the consequences, it never seemed right.

Nixon = Viet Nam and Watergate. Ford = Pardon.

Then along came Reagan. I already didn't trust Republicans. All I got out of the Reagan Presidency was Iran-Contra. This Bush guy isn't helping any, either.

I know it's not fair. I know Kennedy started the war in Viet Nam and Johnson escalated it, and that Ford did what he had to do and that Reagan pulled the country out of the national funk brought on by the depressed economy and the hostage situation. But I don't trust Republicans. Not the politicians. It's part of my personality brought on by Republicans really screwing things up during my formative years.

But you know what, I'm not a Democrat either. I suppose I'm closest to a Libertarian, but I prefer to just be independent. We don't have a two-party system. It's just worked out that way lately.

My prediction in the next election: Guiliani will make the strongest run as an independent since, well, whenever there was a legitimate third party.

Maybe he'll run as a Whig.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Nathan got a Sponsor!

I don't get down Brentwood way very often, but today I did. And as I drove past that beautiful silver and diarrhea-brown fiberglass statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest riding his mighty steed toward Nashville to spread his message of Ku-ing and Klux-ing, I noticed that he recently got a sponsor. There is a big sign put up by some group, something like the Sons of the Stars and Bars, that has stepped up to support the statue. I guess they are paying for the repair bills for all the times that thing gets shot at.

Now, if we can just get The League of Frolicking, Naked Hippies to sponsor Musica on Music Row, and The Society of Roller Coaster Designers and Enthusiasts to put a big sign up at the upcoming "Ghost Ballet for the East Bank Machine Works" going up by LP Field, we'll have the best public art in America

Merril and Vince

"The initial dismantling of an organization based on a bad pick at Quarterback."
--Merril Hoge, on the Titan's selection of Vince Young in the draft.
Yes, obviously everyone in the organization from the GM to the ball boy has a job that's in jeopardy because of that pick.

Merril Hoge has gotten himself so deep in his passionate dislike of Vince Young's game that he refuses to budge, hoping beyond hope that he will eventually be proven right. Kinda like Bush on the war. It started at the draft when he said he wouldn't draft Young in the first round. But then he said he wouldn't draft Cutler or Leinart in the first round either. So that's no big deal.

But he continues to bash Young, despite the fact that he is one of the top candidates for Rookie of the Year. Every time he "analyzes the tape" on Young he is able to find these glaring faults in his technique that we commoners can't see that are all examples of why Vince isn't going to make it in the NFL. And the more success the Titans have, the more ol' Hogey digs in his heels.

The most ridiculous time was when Hoge "analyzes the tape" on Vince's now famous overtime run for a forty yard touchdown to end the game in glorious fashion in his hometown of Houston a couple of weeks ago. His analysis clearly shows that Young should have thrown to Bobby Wade, and running for a touchdown to win the game was a sign of immaturity.

Tom Brady on the other hand, who has won Super Bowls at the Quarterback position, said, "It looked like he went through his reads and just had to make a play with his feet, and it was one of the greatest plays I've seen all year."

Who you gonna believe?

Hey Merril, when you are "analyzing the tape," don't forget that part at the end when you crunch the numbers on the scoreboard to figure out who ended up winning the game.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Nightmare Before Christmas

Here's how it works at my house. My five-year-old little girls falls asleep on the couch in front of a football game, then I carry her to bed where she stays until morning. That's exactly what happened last night. So after I put her to bed, I went out back to carry the Santa stuff in. I'm walking in through the den and there she is, awake, sitting on the couch. I keep walking with the toys into the front room where the tree is, hoping she didn't notice. I go back in with a "what are you doing up?" She says nothing about the toys, just "I want you to come to bed with me." I'm pretty sure I got away with it.

This morning:

"Hey, look what Santa brought you!"

"I saw you carrying those boxes in last night."

"Uh . . . Santa left that stuff out back because we don't have a chimney."

Heaven just got a little funkier

1933 - 2006
Hey! Uuunnhh!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Those Dirty Pre-Schoolers

A school in Waco, Texas has suspended a four-year-old boy for "inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment" after he hugged a teacher's aide and he "rubbed his face in the chest of (the) female employee." The boy doesn't understand why he is being punished.

Of course he doesn't understand. He's four. If you think that four-year-olds have any clue about sexual contact or harassment, you need to get out of the business of being around four-year-olds.


Sunday, December 10, 2006

Tom Cruise is Still Nuts

What a scam

I've already written about my relationship with the company that puts the ads on this blog. It occured to me that they have one of the best scams going, anywhere.

My grand total from people who have clicked on ads is a little over $27. No big deal, right? You can't get paid until you reach $100. I may never reach $100. So think about this: That big company in Palo Alto has already been paid by advertisers the $27 I generated. They haven't had to give me the money. How many websites are there that haven't passed $100? Thousands? Millions? That's a lot of free money.

Buy stock in that company. They get free money.

Jim Dandy to the Rescue

If you have been reading my crap for a while, you are probably aware that I used to be a professional musician. People in Nashville know me as a bass player. People I knew in Texas knew me as a drummer. A little while ago (about 20 years) my band, The Cartoons, opened some shows for Black Oak Arkansas. They were already has-beens at the time. We were backstage, getting ready to go on, and a big, white, two-door Cadillac Coup de Ville pulled up. The entire band and all their respective groupies came pouring out of the Caddy. Very Spinal Tap-esque. Later, Jim Dandy was seen getting a blow job in the bushes behind the stage. Here is a pic of me on that fateful night. Please notice the two-tone pants of our bass player, Tom Lilly, (far left) who is now in LA continuing his life as a rock star.

Those are the same drums that now sit idly in my front room.

I continue to hate Comcast

"Comcast, how can I help you?"

"I was supposed to be transferred to the automatic bill pay system"

"I'm sorry sir, our phone system is messed up, we can't transfer customers right now, I will be back up at noon."

"Can I just pay my bill through you?"

"Yes, sir, it will be four dollars."

"But the automatic service is free?"

"Yes, sir."

"But the free automatic service is down, can't you do it for me for free?"

"No, sir."


Saturday, December 09, 2006

I've Been Everywhere, Man

That hotel commercial that bastardizes "I've Been Everywhere" really chaps my ass.

Having said that, I've been everywhere, man. Off the top of my head, in no particular order, without help of a map, I've been to:

Bahamas, Peurto Rico, Barbados, Granada, Grand Cayman, Jamaica, Panama, Venezuela, Aruba, Mexico, St. Thomas, St. Croix, St. John, St. Maarten, Curacao, Dominica, Costa Rica, Pago Pago, Bora Bora, New Zealand, Australia, New Guinea, Jakarta, Java, Thailand, Korea, Japan, China, Canada, Singapore, Hong Kong, Viet Nam, Malaysia, Guadalupe, Martinique, St. Barts, Dominican Republic, Fiji, Indiana.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Redneck Bumpersticker of the Day

Seen on the bumper of a big-ass Chevy Pick-up in the Suntrust parking lot on Franklin Road:

Aim High Men, Them Sumbitches are Riding Camels

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Foxy Lady

So W is finally getting spanked over his naughty little war in Iraq. His dad's people have given up (James Baker) and the bi-artisian commision says that he screwed things up over there. Every news organization is running with it, saying just that, that the Iraq commision concluded that he screwed things up royally.

With one exception. Fox. I caught the opening to that bastion of unbiased reporting of the facts last night, The O'Reilly Fiasco, and this is what I heard (paraphrasing), "The Iraq Commision Report is out today, and it says the there is still hope."

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

you're gonna laugh out loud

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Kramer, Kramer, Kramer

Michael Richard can't quit apologizing. Even the ulitmate forgiver is tired of this guy.