Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Rock or Jock

I heard Dan Patrick ask Matthew McConaughey the other day if rock stars or movie stars got more women. What I want to know is do rock stars or atheletes get more women?

The reason that this is interesting is because of the difference in physical appearance between the two. Now, before we go any further, let's get this out of the way, both groups do just fine with the ladies. But here is one thing I can't figure out: How can a person's station in life allow a woman to completely lose her mind and overlook his physical appearance?

OK, if you're a man, rich is good. He's "cute in a rich kind of way" is an age-old attitude with women. Good provider and all that. But there are different kinds of rich. Athlete rich is good-lloking rich, generally speaking. Look at Eddie George. I don't know much about "good looks" in men, but I've never heard a woman speak about his looks in anything other than hushed tones of reverence. Professional athletes are prime physical specimens by definition. So it is no wonder that they all have beautiful wives/girlfriends. Look at the PGA tour. A lot of those guys are barely "athletes" but they are all issued a hot wife as soon as they get their card.

But ... how bout those rock stars. A lot of women I know go bat-shit nutty over Steven Tyler. C'mon now. If Eddie George was a night manager at Sizzler, he'd still get his fair share of good looking women. But Steven Tyler?

Long Live Rock and Roll!

Monday, October 10, 2005

The New Rules

I spent an unfortunate 9 years during the formative time of my life north of the Mason Dixon line, living in Both Ft. Wayne and Carmel, Indiana. My mother, a born and bred native of Orlando, must have hit the roof when my father, a born and bred native of Nashville said, "Honey, pack up the kids, I got a promotion, we're moving to Ft. Wayne!" Anyway, all this is a lead in to the most redeeming part of being a kid in the frigid north: hockey.
I played a lot of hockey as a kid. It is a great sport to play and to watch. However, the NHL lost me as a spectator about, oh, 20 years ago. And it wasn't until the strike and the rule changes that I figured out why. In the old NHL, the whistle would stop play about 75 times per period. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Final score, 2-1. Yawn. Then, last year came the lockout and apparently the NHL took a long look at their game and realized that there were plenty like me who felt the same way. So they implemented a bunch of rule changes.
I was skeptical. After all, this was a league that lost an entire season due to a labor dispute. Were a couple of rule changes going to affect the watchability of what had become a really boring sport? The answer is a resounding Yes. Two games into the season, I have watched more hockey than in the last 20 years (on TV, anyway) and the changes work. My friends and I are talking about going to see games at the GEC. About getting boxes and taking the kids.
When Nashville first announced intentions of getting into the NHL, I was working in the sports media. I voiced my doubts about this southern townever supporting hockey. I'm surprised how well Nashville has done so far. Let me say, with the new rules and new parity, I'mm looking for the Preds to really fire up the sports scene in this town. That'd be really cool, eh?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Staunchly Independent

I do not vote Republican. I don't vote Democratic. I vote on the issue. I vote on the candidate. I am staunchly independent.

I don't get into politics much. However, I keep track of what is going on, and I almost always vote. There was a tiny little referendum recently here in Nashville to raise the sales tax by .5%. The pro tax lobby said it was "for the kids and elderly (boo hoo). They also said that if we don't vote for it, the State was going to impose it, then the money wouldn't stay in town (shiver, quake). It was to be "earmarked" for education and property tax relief for the elderly. Let's see -- education -- isn't that why we have a lottery? Let's see, tax relief for the elderly -- so we tax them more on toilet paper so they pay less on property tax? Then I actually read the referendum in the voting booth. It asked if I wanted to raise the tax. No mention of the elderly. No mention of education. I clicked no. So did a whole lot of other people. It failed.

I didn't look at this as a conservative or a liberal issue. It was a tax issue. I love children and old people, but whoever was in charge of this forgot rule number one of taxes -- people are never going to vote for a higher tax for themselves.

So, why am I an independent? Why wouldn't I be? I can't believe there are so many educated, well-spoken, thoughtful people who are completely aligned on one side or the other. A lot of people forget something very basic: We DO NOT have a two party system. We stumbled into it. (Remember the Whigs!) Public policy shouldn't be a strict liberal/conservative decision. Each issue should be discussed on its own merit. Unfortunately, that requires too much thought. And with our 24-hour news cycle, we continue to be polarized between the left and the right. Where are all the people like me, the middles?

I guess I am closest to the libertarians. I am fiscally conservative and socially liberal. However, the libertarians come off as way too radical for me (let's get rid of the military, build a big wall between us and Mexico, etc.).

So, fiscally conservative. In other words. I want about 1/100th of the government we have now. Get off my back. First. Get rid of the IRS. How much do we spend just collecting taxes? How many employees does the IRS have? Why do I have to spend a couple hundred bucks every year to have an accountant fill out a dozen forms full of government double talk, just so some lackey in Virginia can be satisfied that my line 29b-2(c) deduction was legitimate? We spend billions of dollars every year collecting taxes. The solution? A flat tax. Everybody, and I mean everybody, pays that same, let's say 15%, for the sake of argument. You're a church? Pay 15%. You're rich? Pay 15%. You're a Llama farmer with a windmill in BumDum County Idaho who has been getting a special deduction ever since your Congressman added your "economic stimulus" deduction to a highway bill? Sorry, it's not there anymore. Pay 15%.

Why has this flat tax never happened? The first problem is that the people who have legitimitely proposed it have come off a knuckleheads (Perot, Forbes). The second problem is that the candidates in the "two party" system are all in the pockets of people and corporations who get these deductions and cuts. I say, get rid of them all. Then comes this problem. The first time a tax break of any kind happens (OK, flat tax for everyone except for blind, minority, elderly nuns who make less than $100 a year), then the floodgates open and whole thing starts over again. Slap your hand on your forehead.

I want the government to keep up the military, keep up the roads, schools, dams, pull people out of enormous structures when hurricanes hit, and do ALL the standard Government stuff. But cut the waste. All of it. I'm not going to start listing pork barrel projects, but we all know there are trillions of dollars wasted on crap and people who administer and manage said crap.

However, I am socially fairly liberal. The only social issues that seem to matter anymore are having an abortion or being gay. That last election, where there was so much going on, was spunto come down to gay marriage in most places. What does this have to do with the government? (Other than, obviously, marriage is a government institution). Same with the God stuff. Everytime a conservative gets outraged because a judge wants to take "God" out of a pledge or off a government building, replace it with the word "Allah" and see what happens. After all, there are more Muslims than Christians in this world. On the other side, for every liberal who gets "offended" when the word God is used, I say you need to take another look at your liberal doctrine of tolerence and inclusion. Or, in other words, give me a break. But, the government should have anything to do with my "moral" or "lifestyle" decisions. I don't need some out-of-touch asshole who's skimming money off his campaign contributions and voting for morality legislation while he's fucking his secretary telling me how to live my life.

So the bottom line is this, I like more conservative policies than liberal policies, because it is the fiscal policies that affect me directly. However, I like liberals as people a whole lot better. Not the politicians, they're all the same. But look at their media mouthpieces. Who would you rather hang out with, the conservatives like O'Reilly, Hannity, or Tucker Carlson, or the liberals like Fraken, Garafalo or Jon Stewart? That's a no brainer for me. The conservatives are blowhards. Professional blowhards. And they're mad all the time. They don't seem to have any life other than hating what liberals believe in. Liberals, however are fun. The liberals are comedians. Literally. And personable. And human. And funny. Al Franken wrote for Saturday Night Live for decades. He's Stuart Smalley, for God's sake. I'd love to hang with that guy. Tucker Carlson, well, who the fuck is he? He's the jerk that wears a bowtie. And Jon Stewart called him a dick. On his own show. And he ended up on MSNBC.

So I'm an independent. Any experienced political pundit could blow 100 holes in this post in ten seconds. I don't care. This rambling diatribe is so fragmented, I'm not even going to try to go back and edit it. I can't sum up my political views in 30 minutes of typing. That's what liberals and conservatives do. There are two many tangents to follow to wrap this up into a nice neat point. So I'll just sum it up this way. Get your hands off my money. Get your laws off my lifestyle. And -- Jon Stewart: funny. Tucker Carlson: dick

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Rubbing Elbows

It occured to me the other day that I’ve met a lot of famous people. I don’t get starstruck, probably because I was in the music business for so long, but it is interesting. You probably wouldn’t consider some of these people famous. Some of them, I didn’t know they were famous either. If you haven’t heard of them, google ’em.

First the “resume.” Famous people I’ve played with. Yes, this includes washed-up one-hit-wonders, which is most of them:

Edie Brickell
Lee Greenwood
The 5th Dimension
The Marvellettes
Bobby Lewis
Lou Christie
Sally Kellerman
Sandler and Young
Gogi Grant
Carlene Carter

Other people I’ve met. By met, I mean had at least a conversation with. Spotting them driving down the street doesn’t count. Disclaimer: Any conversation counts. I met Eric Dickerson in college several times. Our conversations always went the same way:

Me: “How you doing?

Eric Dickerson: “Pretty good. Uh, give me the chicken sandwich with fries.”

Red Skelton
Jay Leno
Mick Fleetwood
Burt Reynolds
Charles Durning
Julie Harris
Jerry Orbach
Charles Nelson Reilly
Gavin McLeod
Jack Burns
Roberta Peters
Ron Palillo
Ed “Too Tall” Jones
Tony Dorsett
“Bullet” Bob Hayes
Eric Dickerson
Brooks Robinson
Vince Gill
Hal Ketchum
Billy Thorpe
Victor Wooten
Bekka Bramlett
Yakov Smirnoff
Ruby Dee
Ossie Davis
Billy Joe Shaver
John Connelly
Al Hirt

Note: I am not name-dropping here. (Actually, I guess I am) Anyway, none of these people are friends of mine. Don’t ask for any phone numbers.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Jose, can you see?

As we sat in the Gerst Haus before the thrashing of the Titans by the Colts, someone brought up the fact that Big & Rich were going to sing the National Anthem. Our simultaneous prediction was that Big would drone a pedal baritone note while Rich sang an octave and a half above him, which is their standard MO. That is exactly what happened. It was as bad as we expected. What we didn't expect was Cowboy Troy rapping patriotic snippets in between verses. It was truly horrendous.

I have nothing but kudos for anyone who actually "makes it" in the music business. Yanni, Slayer, Burt Bacharach, Stevie Wonder, Nashville Pussy, Rush, Boxcar Willy, Pat Boone, Van Halen, Neal McCoy, Seether, and yes, Big & Rich -- way to go, all of you. Congrats on the College Football intro on on ABC or ESPN or where ever it is. But, c'mon guys, you were trying to get a writing deal, not an artist deal. Singing really hard songs just isn't your bag, you nutty, crazy, country-without-prejudice cats.

Ever since Whitney Houston gave her diva performance of the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl about 15 years ago, people think that being asked to sing the Anthem at a sporting event is an invitation to impress everyone with your unique and jaw-dropping interpretation. And to outdo every version that has come before you. It is not. We came to see the game. If you are asked to sing Mr. Key's greatest hit, go buy the sheet music, learn the real melody and please, please, please, please SING THE FUCKING SONG. Do not sing every note in your range on each word. Do not change the tune. And, for God's sake, don't have your ultra-hip country rap buddy recite lines from the Pledge of Allegience and the Preamble to the Constitution in between verses.

Look, it is a really, really hard song to sing. Rehearse it. Start it way lower than you think, because it goes into the stratosphere on "rocket's red glare." Record yourself. If you can't sing it, do us all a favor and decline the invitation. If you determine that you can pull it off, when the time comes, sing it twice as fast as you think you should. It will still be too slow. And when you hold out the last note on "land of the freeeeeeeeee....", remember, that huge cheer isn't for your amazing vocal ability and super-human lung capacity. We are cheering because you are almost finished. We are not there to hear you sing. We're there for the game.

Play Ball!

Men are Idiots

Men are idiots. Thats what advertising exectutives would like to have you believe. Here's the memo that apparently went out to all advertising creative directors about 10 years ago.

How to make a commercial.

Have a white man and a woman. Have the man do or say something stupid. Have the woman give the man or camera a disgusted yet benelovent look. Then say, “buy our insurance/copier/cereal” – whatever you may be selling. Never, ever, ever reverse the roles, because it is funny when the man is a dope, but making the woman a dope is insulting.

An incredible amout of American advertising follows this formula. As I type this, there is a commercial on for IBMs biz hub. The man (older, white, the boss) is showing the new hire (whipsmart young woman in a suit) the new bizhub. He doesn’t know that the bizhub stores email digitally until the woman, with a knowing look, tells him. And we all laugh at the idiot man-boss who doesn’t know anything. Who is their target audience. Obviously it is the people who buy or lease things like bizhubs.Are there no white men that have that job?

You know what, I’m pretty sick of it. Not “I’m going to boycott all these companies” sick of it, just tired of the whole thing. I’ve been in the ad game. I was the creative force behind lots of advertising, most of it print, but some TV and Radio. And never once did it occur to me that we should use the man-stupid/woman-clever formula. Again, I’m not a mad-as-hell, gun-totin’ uber-conservative white-power reactionary, it is just lazy advertising. I guess it is because most creative directors are middle aged white Americans, and they figure it is easier to make fun of themselves than risk the stink that might come back to them if they made fun of women, or black guys, or gay guys, or lesbians or Asians or midgets or transvestites.

I am a 42-year-old white guy in America. I know it doesn’t get much better than that. Why do I have to be protrayed as the bumbling fool? Is it payback for my controlling, pillaging, intolerant legacy? I don’t know. What's wrong with being a big ol' goofy lumbering lilly-white dude?

I’m 6’2”, 210 pounds. I go to the gym. I am not metrosexual. I’m “barrell-chested.” I like beer. I like bacon. I like boobs. I like chicken wings. I will be hosting a poker game on Wednesday. If it itches, I scratch it. My daughter thinks that “pull my finger” is the funniest thing ever. Do women really think I would become a better man if I were to watch “Queer Eye”? I don’t think so. I am brutally honest. I don’t want to be sensitive. However, that doesn’t make me insensitive. I was raised to treat women with respect and politeness. I hold open doors. If I am on a date, I try to be witty, handsome and charming at all times. I will pay for dinner. So who decided that being a man meant being a buffoon?

I was talking to a pretty young bartender who told me that I had no chance of ever getting a date with any woman if I didn’t get either a motorcycle or a puppy. A guy with a puppy will certainly get chatted up. But, a quick unscientific survey of the bar showed that yes, guys with motorcycles have a much greater chance of getting laid. Sensitive guys get chatted up, bad guys get laid. Not that dating is all about getting laid. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course it is.

So what’s a guy to do? Fortunatley, I am old enough now that I do not let “the media” influence my thinking. Especially advertisers. As much as I can help it, anyway. I will continue being a man. And let’s get something straight. If you are a woman, I want you to have every opportunity I have, get paid what you are worth, and live a full and happy life. I also want you to be beautiful and sexy. And I want you to appreciate the fact that, as I said before, I love your boobs.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Match dot com

I tried to dabble a little in internet dating. The results were abysmal. It turns grown men into blubbering, sniveling idiots. It is worse than the eighth grade dance. If you’re thinking of trying it, this is what it is like. Hopefully reading this will save you 29 bucks.

Tuesday, 2:20 p.m. Wow, she’s hot.

Dear dreamingofyou34,

First off, let me say that I feel a little weird, because I am not really into this internet dating thing, but a friend suggested it as a great way to meet new poeple, so here I am. You gotta try new things in life, right? : ) lol. Your picture is what caught my eye initially, you are super-cute! The only question I have is which one are you in that group pic with all the ladies? It’s the one where you all have your arms around each other and you are all laughing and holding up beers. And who is the man you are hugging in the fourth shot, is that your brother? Anyway, I read your profile with great interest, and, quite honestly, I was totally blown away. It is uncanny how alike we are. I am laid-back, easy-going, honest to a fault, loyal, and a little shy until you get to know me, too. I’m not afraid to fall in love, too. I like to go out with friends or just stay home with a good glass of wine and a nice meal, too. I am equally as comfortable in a formal setting as I am in jeans and a T-shirt, too. I like to sleep in late on Sundays, too! I like the beach, too!! I like long, romantic walks under a full moon, too!!! I think the word “awesome” is way overused, too!!! I recently read The DaVinci Code, too!!! It made me go “hmmmm,” too!!!

I’m sure you get lots of emails, but I just know we are a perfect match. I am really looking forward to hearing back from you.



Nervously press Send.

Tuesday, 2:30 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:35 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:42 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:48 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:57 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Continue pattern throughout the day

Wednesday, 6:03 a.m. Check email. Nothing. Check dreamingofyou34’s profile. Active within 24 hours.

Wednesday, 6:05 a.m.

Good morning, dreamingofyou34,

I hope you really were “dreaming of me.” lol ; )

I sent a message yesterday -- you probably remember me because we are such a perfect match. Well, I haven’t heard back from you so I thought I would just send this quick, friendly follow-up to let you know that I am really looking forward to your reply. I am sure we are going to hit it off, and I’m totally ready to get the ball rolling. : ) In addition to everything I said yesterday, I also wanted to mention that I want to go to the Amalfi Coast of Italy for my next vacation, too! And I’m spiritual but not overly religious, too!! And I’m a social drinker, maybe one or two, too!!! And, I never miss Law and Order, too!!!!

Waiting patiently,


Repeat pattern of checking email 6 – 15 times per hour, including four times on PDA at lunch with prospective new client.

Wednesday, 5:15 p.m.

Dear dreamingofyou34,

Hey, I just thought of something. I hope you’re not put off by my handle. I don’t really fish that often, and when I do it’s strictly catch and release. Oh, and another thing, I can be silly and I love to laugh, too! : ) lol.

Still Waiting,


You know the drill by now, check email, check email, check email.

Thursday, 5:20 a.m.

Dear dreamingofyou34,

Good Morning, Sunshine!! I am a little puzzled as to why you haven’t replied to my emails. It is obvious that we are perfect for each other. Do you need more proof? I like a cup of hot cocoa on a cold day, too. I like to fix things up around my house, too. I’ve never been hang-gliding but would someday like to try, too. I’m fun and funny, too. I work hard and play hard, too!!! I like board games, but not mind games, too!!!! I LIKE RAINDROPS ON ROSES AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS, TOO!!!!! I DON’T HAVE A DOG, BUT IF I DID I WOULD LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, TOO!!!!!!!

Waiting and wondering,


Wait a full day, so as not to come off as being desperate, while still obsessively checking email

Friday 10:04 a.m.


It is Friday morning, and I still haven’t heard from you. I first emailed you on Tuesday. I was really hoping that we would be able to meet this weekend. Maybe you’ve been busy? Or out of town? Anyway, write me back. Today.


check email, check email, check email

Sunday, 3:20 p.m.


Or should I say “In your dreams 34”? It is now Sunday afternoon, and thanks to you, my whole fucking weekend is shot! I’ve been waiting to hear from you since Tuesday, and what have I gotten? Jack shit, that’s what! You are such a typical fucking conceited self-centered, holier-than-thou woman. Would it have hurt to send one little email back to me? I was really looking forward to spending the weekend together. I hope you are proud of youself for totally fucking me over like this! I think you need to take a good looooong look at yourself in the mirror, you stupid little insignificant piece of cockroach shit. You are such a fucking little psycho hose-beast bitch! No, wait, let me rephrase that, I bet you are really a big, fat fucking pig of a psycho hose-beast bitch. You remind me of my ex-wife – in fact, I bet you fuck your co-workers on business trips just like she did!!