Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Neighbors, capital punishment and capitalism

My girlfriend's dad is in the TV business. He has a satellite truck, and folks like CNN and ESPN and Fox call him to feed news reports from places where ladies kill their preacher-husband or where tornadoes rip towns apart or NFL coaches give interviews, things like that. Today, he is in Nashville, I don't know who he is working for, feeding reports on the executions sceduled out at Riverbend Maximum Security Prision.

I vividly remember the Paul Reid case. At the time, I was living on Ordway Place in East Nashville. So was he. We were neighbors. We didn't know each other, in fact, I don't think I ever saw him, but it's not often that one has a serial killer arrested on one's street.

So the State of Tennessee is planning to kill him and another guy tonight. The GF's dad and crew can't leave, once they get in for security reasons. I guess, like a Titan's game, there is "no re-entry" at executions. Well, he and his crew are a crew of big ol' BBQ loving Tennessee guys. So we are sending a bunch of BBQ from my BBQ restaurant over to the death chamber for the guys to eat.

I have mentioned several times that I don't really talk about politics here. Especially hot topic issues like capital punishment. However, this is going to be a pretty good sale. Today, I am pro-capital punishment.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Functioning Alcoholic

I can drink. A lot. I've always been able to. I'm one of those guys who can start at noon on a Saturday and be doing yard work or stuff around the house and drink 15 beers by the time the day is through. Or more. And I won't be falling down or slurring or anything. It's a blessing. No, wait, it's a curse. I don't know, it is what it is.

David Feherty, the razor-witted golf analyst for CBS, wrote about quitting drinking. He lost 50 lbs. without dieting. He's Irish, he was putting back a bottle and a half of whiskey a night. So I got to thinking about it, and I put it into perspective. I know liquid ounces and weight aren't interchangable, but I realized that if I drink a twelve pack of beer, I've consumed three pounds of beer.

Once I thought about it that way, I cut way back.

For a day.

I have lost about 20 lbs. recently, but that's because I've been so busy, I am constantly forgetting to eat. I live on beer and coffee. But, thanks to this new study, I don't feel so bad about that.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I can't believe I never Knew this

I got suckered a couple of times when I was a kid into ordering some of those K-Tel super hit records. If you're old enough, you'll remember, they were "the original hits recorded by the original artists!" Then you'd get the record, and not only were the songs edited from three minutes to a minute and a half, they were not recorded by the original artists. I remember felling slightly ripped off the few times I bought one.

Well, I found out today that they were recorded by the original artists. As in, the studio band with the name, "The Original Artists."

It reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend who wanted to open a movie theater and call it "A Theater Near You."

Monday, June 19, 2006

Variations on a Squidward Theme

As my five-year-old girl and I lay in bed yesterday morning, staring at the ceiling, we started doing variations on her favorite impression, Squidward.

She: (Holding her nose) "Keep it down Spongebob, I'm trying to be boring."

Me: (Proper British) Keep it down Spongebob, I'm trying to be boring."

Jump about 10 versions

She: "Keep it down Spongebob, I'm trying to be fuckin' boring."

Me: "What did you say?"

She: "I said, 'Keep it down Spongebob, I'm trying to be fuckin' boring.'"

Me: "That's a grownup word, that's a terrible word to say. You shouldn't use that word."

She: "I thought it meant 'jamming.'"

Me: "Did you say FUNK-ing?"

She: "Yeah."

Me: "Oh, OK."

Saturday, June 17, 2006

My dad's music

I listen to music now that my parents used to listen to that used to drive me crazy. I listen to Segio Mendes and Brasil '66. I listen to Burt Bacharach. I listen to Glen Campbell and The 5th Dimension. I think, now in my middle adult years, that Roger Miller was one of the coolest motherfuckers ever. King of the Road . . . Upright bass, finger snap and Roger, "Trailer for sale or rent . . . "

The reason I listen to it now is because all that stuff is great music. I'm not stuck in the past, I listen to all different kinds of music. But now I listen to that stuff and think what great music it is. And I think about stuff like how cool it would have been to be the glockenspeil player doubling the flutes on Baby Elephant Walk.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Happy Father's day to L'il Knuck and me

This will be our fifth father's day together. I didn't know I could love you more than I did on our fourth, but I do.

Now, go clean up your room.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Fun with tatoos

I had a conversation this morning with a man with a big silver beard and a bald head. On top of his head was a skull with a daggar going through it. He had also shaved his eyebrows and had red and blue lightning bolts in their place.

Rock on, dude.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Port O Bush

As I was crossing the street this morning with my coffee, a giant Port-o-John vacuum truck stopped to let me cross. I couldn't help but notice that on the giant tank full of human waste was a Bush/Cheney sticker.

I don't do politics here. That's just what I saw.

Friday, June 09, 2006

As I quietly slip into insanity

Have you ever wanted to have a place where you could go and point to the "first dollar" on the wall by the cash register, and say "that's mine"?

Tomorrow's your chance.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

My New Blog

I have a new blog about my work. This site will revert back to my idiotic personal ramblings and stroies from my glory days in the big-hair 80s.

Read your Bible

Every so often, the notion occurs to me that I should read the Bible. I've never read it. I grew up going to an Episcopal church every Sunday, but I never had to read it. I don't even know if I own one.

The reason I sometimes think I should read it, is because of all the cool Biblical references there are for someone who is familiar with that book. Many of the great writers of prose, poetry and song throw out Biblical references so easily it seems they have the whole book memorized. If I read it, I could add phrases like, "don't forget to smear blood on your door before turning in, " or "this is worse than that godawful 40 days in the desert," or "take that, Judas, you sniveling little prick" to my writing and daily language, and I would actually know what I was talking about.

If history is to repeat itself, this Bible reading notion will pass quickly, and I'll stick with Esquire's "Funny Joke From A Beautiful Woman" as my literary intellectual catalyst.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Mothership Update

Golldam Handicap ramp. Aside from last Sunday, when the Idiot Drummer helped me, I have been tackling this thing by myself. There are two problems with this scenario.

Firstly) I have to overthink every decision I make, because this isn't what I do, and I don't want to screw it up and

B.) There are just some things that are hard to do alone, like get slanted boards to be level to each other and fasten them down with only two hand. Add to that all the rain we've been getting and the other list of things that I have to take care of to open a restaurant, like buying tables and chairs and getting a coke fountain machine and building counters, and it makes for some slow going. But I'm pleased with how it is coming along, and I don't have a whole lot left to finish, just the bottom of the ramp and the rails. I've never done rails before, but then again, I've never done a ramp before and I managed to figure it out.

But I'm pretty sure that everything is going to be done this weekend. Which means I can get a cerificate of occupancy on Monday and open next week. And I've hired a secret weapon, a kick ass chef who was a dessert specialist for a long time. He is going to freelance for me, and the Mothership is going to have the Mother of all desserts.

Please, I invite you to come eat at my BBQ joint. Have dessert. And please, please, please frolick up and down the ramp on your way in and out.

UPDATE: I'm hiring, kitchen help and cashiers. Got a kid that needs a summer job? Know someone who was just paroled and needs beer money?
email me at mothershipbbq at comcast d o t niner, edgar, tango.
Must be willing to work for a knucklehead.


Meteorologists have a painfully obvious love affair with their technology, and when something new comes along, like Doppler Voodoo Raincast 5000, we all get to see it on our TVs. Most of it is useless, annoying and just gets in the way.

As in Channel 4's new Pinpoint Futurecast, or whatever the fuck they call it. I was watching the weather lady last night, and I said, "They accidentally put the computer menu up on the screen." There was a menu there that had buttons that said things like "Low" and "Cold Front" and that menu covered up half the map. Much to my surprise, it was there on purpose. The weather lady talked about an approaching front, reached over and clicked on the "Front" button and magically drew the front with her finger. I said, "That's not 'pinpoint' accuracy, that's 'fingerpoint' accuracy."

Hey Channel 4 weather folks. Not all your fancy new technology needs to be seen by us. Please take the computer menu off the screen. It is so distracting, I have no idea what the actual pinpoint futurecast was.

Thursday, June 01, 2006


I don't follow NASCAR very closely. But I do know that there is a woman who does NASCAR analysis on our local sports talk radio. Her name is Liz Allison. She is very knowledgeable about the sport, and sometimes mentions what it was like to be a driver's wife. Even though she doesn't "sound" old, I assumed that she was Bobby Allison's wife. I remember the name Bobby Allison from when I was a kid, so I assumed she was a little on in years.

She was Davey Allison's wife. That was Bobby's son. He was about my age.

I saw her on TV the other night. I had never seen her before.

I'm sure this is not news to any NASCAR fan, but damn. She's hot.

I think I'm going to become a NASCAR fan

Hey Liz, do you like BBQ?