Sunday, March 25, 2007

Famous Nashvillians

My dad is a native Nashvillian, born and raised all the way through Vanderbilt. While I have been coming here my whole life, I never lived here until the late 80s. Now I know who Ernest Tubb was and I once played golf with Faron Young, but I didn't grow up learning Nashville history.

Today, me and the kid went butterfly hunting at the Percy Preist Greenway. (She bagged three. Goooood eatin' I tell ya.) It occured to me that I have no idea who J. Percy Preist was or is, or why he was or is important enough to have a big dam named after him. The following is a list, off the top of my head, of people who are important in Middle Tennessee history, whose importance is nearly or completely unknown to me. (Some of these may not be people, for all I know.)

Sillman or Evans
Edwin Warner
Percy Warner
Granny White

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Sage advice for young, single men

Bez talks about meeting women while walking your dog. I've heard that before, too. In fact, right after my divorce, I had a hot young bartender tell me, considering that I was newly single again after ten years, that there was no way I would ever possibly be able to find a date without the aid of either a puppy or a motorcycle.


I remember in college there was a rumour about a grocery store where all the hot single women shopped. It was said to be a great way to find a date. So I went. There were quite a few attractive young ladies shopping there. The problem was, you feel like a tool approaching a woman who's just out to get some tampons and dish soap and point to her cart and say, "I LOVE garbanzo beans, too!! You wanna go get a Coke?"

You read all kinds of different scenarios where you are guaranteed to hook-up with the next love of your life. A bookstore. Church. A hike in the park. Volunteering to help old people.

Whatever. Let me give you youngsters some advice. The only place you are going to meet a woman is in a bar. Trust me. I've met everyone I've ever dated in bars. I've met all my wives in bars. I'm batting a thousand.

You can thank me later.

Stupid Marketing Hall of Fame

Today's entry into the Stupid Marketing Hall of Fame. Guaranteed, or what?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Celebrity Vagina in Berry Hill!

A big group of people came in to my work yesterday. One couple stood out, because this regular looking guy had a smokin' hot girlfriend with him. I couldn't figure out how he could score a young hottie like that until he paid. I saw from his credit card that it was a fairly famous country singer. I knew the name, but I couldn't pick him out of a line-up. Such is Nashville.

One of my most favoritist neighbors here in Berry Hill is Gracie's, a little place that does waxing. The girls come in to eat all the time and we've become friendly. One of the girls came in yesterday, and I told her the above story and asked if they have any famous clients. She said, "Not too many. Taffany Fallon has been coming in for years, though."

I thought to myself, THIS IS HUGE!!!! For those of you who don't follow such things as publicly naked Nashvillians, Tiffany Fallon is the Nashville girl who was named Playboy's Playmate of the Year a couple years ago. She has the most famous snatch to ever come out of our fair city. And it gets prettied up on a regular basis right down the street from me.

I wonder if she likes BBQ.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Blues Travelling Fast

John Popper, lead singer and harmonica blower-and-sucker for Blues Traveler, was arrested when the car he was in was clocked going 111 mph.

Inside the black Mercedes SUV, officers found a cache of weapons and a small amount of marijuana, the Patrol said. A police dog searched the vehicle, finding numerous hidden compartments containing four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife. Authorities also found a Taser and night vision goggles. The vehicle was seized.
He should have been arrested 15 years ago for Aural Assault with a Harmonica.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Dumb Dems

Dear Democrats,
I know it is very early, but come on. You are heading into an election following the biggest presidental disaster since, I don't know, the Teapot Dome Scandal. The Republicans look like bumbling idiots right now. And you are trotting out Hillary and Obama and Edwards? Give me a break. You think Joe or LuAnn Sixpack are going to vote for any of those people. Clinton can't decide what she believes in. Edwards is the slickest political focus-group double-talking wet dream to come along in a long time. He's the kind of politician who uses the word "folks" because it makes him sound folksy. And Obama has been in the Senate or House or whatever he is in for, what, two weeks? Don't you people have someone, anyone, who exudes even a little authority and leadership. You better find a Governor somewhere or get that Murtha guy interested, because it isn't going to be pretty. I'll tell you why.

The Republicans are going to put Guiliani in there. And the problem the pundits say he has is his messy divorce. So someone is going to ask him about his messy divorce and he's going to look into the camera and say, "I had a messy divorce. It's my personal business. Next question." Because he's got the balls to do that. He knows he doesn't have to take that focus-group mortal-fear-of-misspeaking crap to the people. And he's fiscally conservative and socially moderate and he doesn't have some whacked out religious agenda. And when it gets to the end, they're going to roll out the biggest media buy of the century and everywhere you look you are going to see commercials of Rudy marching around New York on 9/12, barking orders and taking names. And the Sixpack family will say things like, "If he was in charge during Katrina, I bet things would have turned out a lot differently. He kicks ass."

So Democrats, you better find somebody who kicks ass, or you got no shot.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Lumbering Fat Guy seen in South Nashville

I've always been a runner, well, off and on, anyway. When I was travelling all the time, I used to run as a sightseeing adventure. I once went running on a deserted beach in Brunei, which I thought was pretty cool. However, I happened to be there on the one day a year that the Sultan of Brunei, the richest man in the world, allows people to come and tour the palace. I ran on the beach instead of going to see the most magnificant palace in the world. The beach was deserted. Because everyone was at the palace. I chose unwisely.

I started a business last spring, and I haven't run at all, because all I do is work. Well, lo and behold, I am bigger than I have ever been in my life. I'm physically uncomfortable. So I decided to do something about it, and this morning I got up early and went for a run. It was a pathetic 20 minutes of misery. But that's OK. I know from experience that a long layoff only takes a week or two to recover from, and I'll be putting in four to six miles a pop in no time.

Except now my foot hurts. Really bad. It's the instep of my left foot. I tore it up. So I prayed about it. God said he wants me to be fat.

What a relief.