Thursday, May 31, 2007

The End Is Near. Again.

I don't really buy into the global warming thing. That is just my decidedly uninformed opinion. Here's why. I've travelled a lot. I used to work on cruise ships, and I've been all over the world. To me, the global warming scare is kind of like the overpopulation scare, which comes from bookworms and professors in the Northeast, which is grossly overpopulated. If you are an overpopulation fear-monger in Boston, get out a little. Drive across Texas. I spent some time in China. They have a billion people. Beijing and Shanghai and Hong Kong are ridiculously overpopulated. But if you get out in the country, there are miles and miles of rolling hills, pastures and forests. We have plenty of room.

I once sailed from Tahiti to New Zealand. Days and days of nothing. Just flat Pacific Ocean water, going at 26 knots, 24 hours a day. That's just one tiny little corner of the globe. I've seen how big the world is, and I don't think that we have the ability to change it that much. When you spend years living on the ocean, it seems ridiculous that melting ice is going to flood our coastline.

Having said that, we were warned about getting out too much during that Tahiti-New Zealand run because that's where there is a big hole in the ozone, and one could easily get burned. All that damn hairspray in the '60s burned the ozone up. Or was it cow flatulence?

So I don't buy it, but I'm open minded about it. This is what I don't get: How the conservatives can turn it into a "liberal issue." It's science, right? I haven't really looked into it enough to make an informed opinion, so I can't say I'm right, and I accept that there may be something to it. To dismiss it outright as a liberal hoax is puzzling to me. Puzzling because if you're wrong, boy it's going to be a doozy.

Cue George Strait: "Oceanfront Property in Arizona"

Hokey Pokey

There is a band from my college days called Brave Combo. An old college roommate has been a member off and on over the years. They formed in the 80s and they are still together, still touring in a van out of Denton, Texas. There has never been a more aptly named band, those guys book themselves into rock clubs and go in an play polkas. Electrified polkas. And a lot of other assorted world music like cumbias and cha chas, but mostly polkas. They've won 2 Grammys for best polka album. (I have an old roommate with a Grammy. I have a blog.)

Bookmark this post. Because if you are ever having a bad day, you can't help but be cheered up by Brave Combo's metal version of the Hokey Pokey.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Charles Nelson Reilly

Charles Nelson Reilly died last week. He had a one-man show called "Save it for the Stage: The Life of Reilly." That show premiered at the theatre I did the marketing for in Florida. I did all the original photography and advertising and press for that show. I got to know Charles fairly well during that time. I found out that he was way more than just "that game show guy."

His show evolved into an independent film. I don't know if it has ever been distributed. But I like the narrator's take in the clip here. He says he went in to the movie "expecting to hate it, yet I could not stop watching." (Warning: the clip is ten minutes long.)

Charles was a fascinating man. Noted opera expert. Esteemed acting teacher. Tony-award winning stage actor. Voice of countless cartoon characters. And game show guy.

I enjoyed knowing him. He was always gracious and friendly and would send me thank-you notes from L.A. and tell me I was the best photographer ever,and would always end our phone conversations with, "I love you!" (Not that I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

If the movie ever gets distributed, trust me, get it.

Friday, May 18, 2007

The fence.

Those folks in DC are at it again, wanting to take our money and build a fence.

Have you ever been to South Texas? I have. It's desolate. I've never been to the border in New Mexico or Arizona, but I imagine it is more of the same. So we're going to build a 350 mile fence? That's like building a fence from Nashville to Little Rock.

Have you ever driven from Nashville to Little Rock? Imagine building a fence the whole way. Don't you think that somewhere along the way you could breach the fence without being caught by the authorities? A fence that is a government project, no less?

Here are a few things that one could use to breach a 350 mile fence:
Bolt cutters.
A Ladder.
A Shovel.
A Dodge Ram Truck.
A Mexican VW taxi.

I've heard about building a double fence with sensors in-between so we can pounce on the folks while they are trapped between the two. 350 miles. That's a lot of room. There's no pouncing there. Another great idea.

So, I have a solution on this whole immigration problem. Invade Mexico. We could do it with a few National Guardsmen and some Boy Scouts. Annex them or Imminent Domain them or whatever you call it. Unlike those bastards in Iraq, the Mexicans would actually greet us as liberators. The U. S. of A. becomes 62 states! Cheap childcare for everyone!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Horses and Cleavage and Hats, Oh My!

Iroquios Steeplechase is nearly upon us. Once a year the horses-who-jump-over-stuff circuit makes its stop in Nashville. It is a bunch of horses you never heard of ridden by a bunch of jockeys you never heard of running around and jumping over stuff.

And I love it. Because the official dress code for Steeplechase for the ladies is a low-cut cotton sundress and a big, floppy hat. That little plot of land in Edwin Warner Park becomes the cleavage capital of the South for an entire day. It is enough to make a grown man weep for joy. Women seem to think that sundresses are "cute." No. Let's clarify something. Sundresses are hot. I mean hot, hot HOT. A sundress is, in my opinion, the hottest thing possible for a woman to wear. And I have several friends who agree. (Let's not talk about that outfit I have on the woman in my basement. Shut up.)

As for the big, floppy hats, women think that they're "fun." Nope. They're not "fun." They're stupid as shit. But we don't care, we're not looking at the top of your head. We're looking down the front of your "cute" sundress.

It's one of those event that promotes "civilized" daytime drinking. Because it is full of well-heeled Belle Meadians, there is not a trace of guilt over drinking before the sun has even reached the yard arm. It's also the kind of day where people bring jugs full of "punch" and Vandy frat boys drink too much of it and pass out. But each of those Vandy frat boys has a date in a low-cut cotton sundress. And a stupid hat.

So if you are the type of person who likes to spend the day drinking and stumbling around in a never-ending sea of beautiful women in low-cut cotton sundresses, Steeplechase is for you. And once every hour or so, a horserace breaks out.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Dead End

If you live in the second-to-last house on a dead end street, exactly who, other than your neighbor in the last house, are you trying to influence by putting a political candidate sign in your yard?

Sunday, May 06, 2007

A Grand Acheivement

Little Girl: "I just tooted."

Father: "Congratulations."

Little Girl: "It was the greatest toot of my lifetime."

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I stumbled across the Republican debate tonight. I don't know how many dudes there are up there, but they're all 60-year-old white guys in dark suits. I didn't see the Democratic debate, but I suspect it was a bunch of 55-year-old white guys in dark suits. And Hillary. And Obama.

OK. Maybe the Democrats had a more varied bunch. But the only difference I can see with these Republican guys is their ties.

I'd like to see that guy from Hawaii there. I don't know if he is a donkey or an elephant. I assume he's a Democrat. But he's got a big ponytail and a topaz bollo tie. He might be a nut. But he stands out.

Can't one of these Republicans wear a tan sportcoat? Or a leisure suit?