Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Free BBQ For Life!

If you've been here before, you know that the only thing standing in the way of me opening Mothership BBQ is a handicap ramp. My friend, the Idiot Drummer was kind enough to sacrifice his entire Sunday to come over and help me get started. That puts him on the "free BBQ for life" list. After pondering and figuring and guessing and making about seven trips to Home Depot, we busted our asses all day and most of the night, and finished the landing, all the while being serenaded by the world's most pretentious radio station, Lightning 100 (say it in a British accent, "Lightning 100 . . . way hipper than you.") which was blaring out of the back of my truck.

So about midnight, stinking of a days worth of sweat, beer and bug spray and covered in filth, we decided to quit. Did I mention that we spent the whole time being serenaded by the radio in my truck? You see it coming, don't you? Dead battery.

My BBQ Joint is on a very quiet side street with no traffic at night. Now the Berry Hill police force always has two officers on patrol for this little one square mile town, and I had seen one earlier changing a tire for a stranded young lady. Some of the cops have eaten previews of my BBQ, and one had stopped by earlier for a chat. However, despite feeling perfectly fine, we had been drinking beer all day, as is required in the dude codebook when undertaking such a project, and we decided that calling them for a jump might result in the officer waiting for me to pull out and then pulling me over for a field sobriety test. So I walked to the Citgo on the corner to see if they sold jumper cables, which they don't. So I bought two Heinekens and we sat on my new front porch and took in the night air. Fortunately, the Hottie Who Lets Me See Her Naked was awake and willing to come pick up the two filthy stinking idiots.

So we have the flat part of the ramp finished, leaving me on my own to figure out how to build the slanted part. I have never really claimed to be all that handy in these type matters. I'm going to spend all day today pondering questions like, "can I just use joist hangers for those stair stringers or do I need to use lag bolts?" and "can I just bury those two by tens when the ramp gets to the ground, or do I need to cut them?" or, "is this hole deep enough to support that post?"

If you know the answers to those kind of questions, come on by and help. I'll put you on the "free BBQ for life" list.


At 9:51 AM , Blogger Exador said...

You worked for four days and all you've got is a 4'x5' platform?

At 10:23 AM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

No, we worked for one day and all we have is a 6 x 5 1/2 foot platform.

We work at a pace of two guys who don't know what they are doing.

So fuck off.

Or come help me finish. I would prefer someone on the "free BBQ for life" list be 4 hours away.

At 11:25 AM , Blogger ceeelcee said...

I'll recommend it again! You are two musicians trying to build the world's smallest set. Get a set builder involved. Or anybody that knows what they're doing. It's the last thing you need. Would you let ta roadie play drums on your opening number of a world tour?

At 11:28 AM , Blogger Can I B Frank said...

Thankfully, I'm already on that list so I don't have to even pretend that I'd have a clue about what to do. Just call the guys who put my privacy fence up last month. They'd probably entertain the free BBQ for life compensation strategy as long as you provided the materials.

At 12:14 PM , Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Damn, if I knew you were still working on it, I would have come by to lend a hand.

Go with lag bolts, and the hole needs to be .25 of the total length of the post. Use quickcrete to anchor it in the ground. Provide support on the 24' ramp every six feet.

At 12:28 PM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

Yes, you're right.

I know "your people" don't do this kind of thing. Although, I did almost call you at midnight to give me a jump.

Check your email.


At 12:29 PM , Blogger Exador said...

I gotta ask. What's the snow shovel for?

'Cause I've put up decks before and we never used a snow shovel.

At 12:50 PM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...


You Engineers are so practical and have no imagination. What you think is a snow shovel is actually a VLD, or Very Large Dustpan, used to make cleanup of large areas of debris go quickly.

BTW, the Idiot Drummer says to tell you to fuck off as well.

At 1:17 PM , Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Jesus, Ex, everybody knows the scoop shovel is used as a job site dust pan.

Knuck, I'll check out the email as soon as Google quits fucking up my email account.

At 2:30 PM , Blogger Ivy, the Great and Powerful said...

It would seem to me that maybe getting some concrete guys out there and concreting a ramp might be the best and cheapest method.

I wish my dad wasn't working so many hours, I'd haul him out there and he'd build you the most faboo ramp ever. :)

At 2:40 PM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

As I said to CLC, you are right. There are probably 100 better alternatives than what I am doing. However, now I am determined to finish.

At 2:49 PM , Blogger ceeelcee said...

So Knucklehead was doing a little landscaping at the Mothership, and he started working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7" gangly wrench. Just then, the Idiot Drummer leaned over and said, "You can't work on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7" wrench." Well this infuriated the Knucklehead, so he went and got Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual, and he reads to him and says, "The Langstrom 7" wrench can be used with the Findlay sprocket." Just then, the Idiot Drummer leaned over and says, "It says sprocket not socket!"

You gotta love Steve Martin.

p.s. I good to stand by with my hands on my hips giving advice and drinking beer.

At 2:51 AM , Blogger Vol Abroad said...

WWTVAD (What would the Vol Abroad do?)

Can't you just prop a big old sheet of plywood against your platform?

And to be on the safe side, you can duct tape over the join.

At 10:15 AM , Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I think it would be more personable and cost effective if you to just carried handicap persons in and out of the establishment instead.


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