Sunday, October 02, 2005

Match dot com

I tried to dabble a little in internet dating. The results were abysmal. It turns grown men into blubbering, sniveling idiots. It is worse than the eighth grade dance. If you’re thinking of trying it, this is what it is like. Hopefully reading this will save you 29 bucks.

Tuesday, 2:20 p.m. Wow, she’s hot.

Dear dreamingofyou34,

First off, let me say that I feel a little weird, because I am not really into this internet dating thing, but a friend suggested it as a great way to meet new poeple, so here I am. You gotta try new things in life, right? : ) lol. Your picture is what caught my eye initially, you are super-cute! The only question I have is which one are you in that group pic with all the ladies? It’s the one where you all have your arms around each other and you are all laughing and holding up beers. And who is the man you are hugging in the fourth shot, is that your brother? Anyway, I read your profile with great interest, and, quite honestly, I was totally blown away. It is uncanny how alike we are. I am laid-back, easy-going, honest to a fault, loyal, and a little shy until you get to know me, too. I’m not afraid to fall in love, too. I like to go out with friends or just stay home with a good glass of wine and a nice meal, too. I am equally as comfortable in a formal setting as I am in jeans and a T-shirt, too. I like to sleep in late on Sundays, too! I like the beach, too!! I like long, romantic walks under a full moon, too!!! I think the word “awesome” is way overused, too!!! I recently read The DaVinci Code, too!!! It made me go “hmmmm,” too!!!

I’m sure you get lots of emails, but I just know we are a perfect match. I am really looking forward to hearing back from you.



Nervously press Send.

Tuesday, 2:30 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:35 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:42 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:48 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Tuesday, 2:57 p.m.

Check email. Nothing

Continue pattern throughout the day

Wednesday, 6:03 a.m. Check email. Nothing. Check dreamingofyou34’s profile. Active within 24 hours.

Wednesday, 6:05 a.m.

Good morning, dreamingofyou34,

I hope you really were “dreaming of me.” lol ; )

I sent a message yesterday -- you probably remember me because we are such a perfect match. Well, I haven’t heard back from you so I thought I would just send this quick, friendly follow-up to let you know that I am really looking forward to your reply. I am sure we are going to hit it off, and I’m totally ready to get the ball rolling. : ) In addition to everything I said yesterday, I also wanted to mention that I want to go to the Amalfi Coast of Italy for my next vacation, too! And I’m spiritual but not overly religious, too!! And I’m a social drinker, maybe one or two, too!!! And, I never miss Law and Order, too!!!!

Waiting patiently,


Repeat pattern of checking email 6 – 15 times per hour, including four times on PDA at lunch with prospective new client.

Wednesday, 5:15 p.m.

Dear dreamingofyou34,

Hey, I just thought of something. I hope you’re not put off by my handle. I don’t really fish that often, and when I do it’s strictly catch and release. Oh, and another thing, I can be silly and I love to laugh, too! : ) lol.

Still Waiting,


You know the drill by now, check email, check email, check email.

Thursday, 5:20 a.m.

Dear dreamingofyou34,

Good Morning, Sunshine!! I am a little puzzled as to why you haven’t replied to my emails. It is obvious that we are perfect for each other. Do you need more proof? I like a cup of hot cocoa on a cold day, too. I like to fix things up around my house, too. I’ve never been hang-gliding but would someday like to try, too. I’m fun and funny, too. I work hard and play hard, too!!! I like board games, but not mind games, too!!!! I LIKE RAINDROPS ON ROSES AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS, TOO!!!!! I DON’T HAVE A DOG, BUT IF I DID I WOULD LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, TOO!!!!!!!

Waiting and wondering,


Wait a full day, so as not to come off as being desperate, while still obsessively checking email

Friday 10:04 a.m.


It is Friday morning, and I still haven’t heard from you. I first emailed you on Tuesday. I was really hoping that we would be able to meet this weekend. Maybe you’ve been busy? Or out of town? Anyway, write me back. Today.


check email, check email, check email

Sunday, 3:20 p.m.


Or should I say “In your dreams 34”? It is now Sunday afternoon, and thanks to you, my whole fucking weekend is shot! I’ve been waiting to hear from you since Tuesday, and what have I gotten? Jack shit, that’s what! You are such a typical fucking conceited self-centered, holier-than-thou woman. Would it have hurt to send one little email back to me? I was really looking forward to spending the weekend together. I hope you are proud of youself for totally fucking me over like this! I think you need to take a good looooong look at yourself in the mirror, you stupid little insignificant piece of cockroach shit. You are such a fucking little psycho hose-beast bitch! No, wait, let me rephrase that, I bet you are really a big, fat fucking pig of a psycho hose-beast bitch. You remind me of my ex-wife – in fact, I bet you fuck your co-workers on business trips just like she did!!




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