Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Porn Shoots, Affairs and a Household Hint

The Idiot Drummer was kind enough to take a night off from his usual bourbon-swilling idleness, where the most important activity is finding things to burn on his patio overlooking the river, and he came to help me at work. The toilet in one of the bathrooms has been leaking, so we removed the toilet, ripped up the rotting floor, replaced it with a new sub-floor, and, like most projects undertaken by two aging knuckleheads, quit with the job half-finished. However, that is not an indictment of our work ethic. We didn't drink a drop of alcohol, which is probably a first in the 15 years we've known each other, and when we quit, it was midnight and we were at a point where a trip to Home Depot was necessary. It was truly back-breaking work. There was more grunting and groaning than a triple-intrusion gang-bang porn shoot. We both predicted extreme pain today, and that is certainly the case with me.

I share my back parking lot with another small business. At about 10:30 a couple of cars pulled in on their side. We were outside, wrangling a circular saw, two rickety home-made sawhorses, a speed square and a sharpie, trying to make an intricate cut shaped like a fleur-de-lis through 3/4" laminate wood we had miracously found in the basement when they arrived. That business closes at five. It was 10:30. There was some kind of hanky-panky going on there. They saw us and left. As someone who has been on the wrong end of an extra-marital affair, I am on a mission to stop all adultery whenever I am able! And last night I succeeded! O.K., maybe I'm not on a mission, I stay out of other people's business (including my own wife's, as I later found out) but something was going on. I'm sure some player retreated with his ring in his pocket and a hard-on he had to take home to an unreceptive wife.

So back to the pain. I am one sore sumbitch today. I just filled up the bathtub with the hottest water I could stand and soaked my achin' bones in it for an hour. Whilst shriviling, I noticed that the shower curtain liner is starting to get mildew and mold on it. Now, I spent most of my adult life living either in places that had glass shower doors or living in filth, and neither situation required attention to shower curtain liner mildew. After my divorce it became an issue because Li'l Knucklehead uses the tub too. I've tried to clean them with regular spray-on bathroom cleaner, holding it tight with one hand and scrubbing with a sponge in the other. I've taken them off and layed them in the tub and tried the same thing. One woman told me an elaborate method using the washing machine, bleach, the gentle cycle and a Haitian voodoo curse. Nothing seemed to work. But one day I discovered the secret to getting rid of the mildew on the shower curtain liner. I was in Target, and I noticed that shower curtain liners are $4.95. I guess it's time to go get a new one.

2 Comments:

At 9:11 AM , Blogger bridgett said...

One can scrub the hell out of shower curtains and they still just don't come clean. Back in the enviro-nazi day, I was committed to reducing waste and whiled away many an unproductive hour trying to do battle with my fellow organisms -- until I wised up and went to Target too.

If I were you, I'd unwrap the curtain and leave it hang in a shed outside for a couple of days before installing it. They off-gas worse than an old farting dog and some children get wheezy with the plastic fumes.

 
At 11:47 AM , Anonymous rover said...

Hey guy I've found that the new Clorex Spray cleaner works wonders on that mildew. It won't get rid of ground in dirt but beyond that it works great. Like your blog you say it like it is.

 

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