Wednesday, March 08, 2006

To All A Good Night

There is legislation pending in Tennessee that will outlaw sex toys. Glad to see the dipshits have their priorities straight.

This is Nashville Knucklehead's ode (I use pretentious third person when speaking of my poetry) to Charlotte Burks and Eric Swafford, the two Tennessee lawmakers who have nothing better to do than to introduce legislation that would make it "illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for stimulation of human genital organs."

'Twas the night before voting, in the Senate and House
Charlotte Burks was still stirring, double-clicking her mouse.
Eric Swafford was hung up, and loaded for bear,
Cleaning his gun with the greatest of care.

With Senators nestled all snug in their beds,
The men-folk all polished their little bald heads.
And the ladyfolk lawmakers muffled their groans,
While fingers were frantically honing their stones.

When out on Church Street there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
O'er Capitol Hill streaked a blinding red flash,
And the Hustler Store landed, kaboom! with a crash.

The neon and lights on the entry way doors,
Gave lustre to objects fit only for whores.
Then, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a shelf full of leather and S & M gear!

Then a young dominatrix, so lively and quick,
Unleashed a huge torrent of vibrating dick.
All turgid and phallic, the sex toys they came,
And she squirmed, and she squealed, and called them by name!

"Now Gasher! Big Daddy! Doc Johnson and Vixen!
On, Thruster! Impaler! on Niner and Sixen!
To the Top of the Snatch! To the Base of the Balls!
Now buzz away! Buzz away! Buzz away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, they saw on the roof
The man who is sneaky, but never aloof.
Flynt's wheelchair was shiny, his attitude brash,
He rolled off the roof, and came down with a smash.

He was dressed all in rayon, his head to his toes,
And pushing his ride were three skanky old hoes.
A bundle of sex toys were flung on his back,
Just like a smut peddler, he opened his pack.

The dongs and the dildos! The life-like fake cooters!
The cock rings and rabbits and double intruders!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a preacher,
And he took on the role of a masturbateacher.

"Now ladies of Congress, it's awful, I know,
When you rub on the lamp, but the Genie won't show!
There are other options when you're home alone,
Than manually dialing your rotary phone!"

"And men of the Senate, it's hot when you see,
Your willy, her kitty, and dildy makes three!
And if you impart just the right kind of buzzin'
She'll have two, three or more, maybe even a dozen!"

He was chubby and plump, a right creepy old elf,
But they stared at his toys, in spite of their self.
He held up a tool with a rotating head,
They knew then they really had nothing to dread.

Flynt made it clear, at last they could see
That dildos can't possibly harm Tennessee.
A 3-D device built for sex stimulation
Could not be the cause of the fall of the nation.

The lawmakers looked at both Swafford and Burks
And realized that they were a couple of jerks.
Then Flynt said, "I know you'll all vote for what's right
Happy Wanking to all, and to all a good-night!"


At 7:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG!!! Soooo funny!!! Yet sad.. the legislation, I mean. Where in the hell do these people get their ideas? Did a wifey leave her hubby for a dildo? Or husband leave his wife for a Fleshlight pocket hoo-hoo? For criminey's sakes, I would think they would recognize - better for people to self-stimulate than have sex with strangers & spread disease...
Long live Sex toys - even in Tennesee!!!

At 7:56 AM , Blogger bridgett said...

And they say that feminists aren't funny! Very clever!

If this is what one lunch with Aunt B. provokes, I think we should conspire to have her break bread with the entire Tennessee legislature.

At 8:56 AM , Blogger ceeelcee said...

Dude, don't quit your day job to apply for the poet laureate position.

Oooh...the irony. Get back to shoveling hickory!

Just some friendly career counseling from your silent partner.

At 9:33 AM , Blogger Aunt B said...

This is so brilliant I had to lay down on the ground to recuperate from it.

Kudos to you.

At 10:42 AM , Blogger cafiend said...

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. And you know way too much about these devices.

At 11:30 AM , Blogger Aunt B said...

Hush, cafiend. There's no such thing about knowing too much about sex toys.

At 11:52 AM , Blogger TNChick said...

outlaw sex toys? yikes!

At 2:37 PM , Blogger newscoma said...

This has made it around the office and sent to my local rep.
We already knew you were wicked smart, now we are at the hero worship stage.

At 4:47 PM , Blogger TVonthefritz said...

This is nothing short of sheer comedy genius.

At 8:44 PM , Blogger Tennessee Jed said...

I want to get a job with the state as Dildo Patrol, now is my big break!

Very clever writing! Great work knucklehead.

At 11:57 PM , Blogger Ryan said...

I comment only because you cannot see me applaud.

How very fucking nicely done!


At 7:16 AM , Blogger W said...

Knuck you got mad skills. Ever think of being a rapper?

At 7:48 AM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

bridgett, I would love to get B. IN the legislature.

ceeeelcee, Piss off. I'm the only one that links to you, and I can take it down right this minute. mister!

Cafiend, Aunt. B is right. You cannot know too much about this topic.

tnchick, You might have to try using a man.

coma, you sent it to your rep, the bill was pulled. Conincidence . . . hmmmm?

fritzThanks. Have a napkin origami cooter.

jed, When we get Aunt B. in the legislature, her first order of business can be to put you on dildo patrol

ryan, maybe that helped out your poetry jones, you know, Whitman wrote lots of peoms about double intruders.

W, I have rapped. In public. Ask ceeelcee.

At 11:35 PM , Blogger Memphis Steve said...

Apparently there is NOTHING for them to do so they come up with this shit.


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