Sunday, March 05, 2006

Hear Me Roar

I haven't thought about feminism in probably 30 years. Like all big, dumb, root-of-all-evil white guys, I thought that fight was over. Boy was I wrong. Now that I've been sucked into Aunt B.'s pit of liberal feminist sparring, I think about feminism at least 2 - 3 minutes a month.

Well, I'm getting this month's time over early. As I was whipping up some bacon and biscuits for the Li'l knucklehead for breakfast (is there anything better than bacon in a cast iron skillet on a Sunday Morning Coming Down?) I tuned the TV to Comcast's 70s music channel. Lo and behold, on comes the all-time-best, say-it-loud, say-it-proud feminist anthem, "I am Woman" by that saucy Aussie, Helen Reddy. While the words will be seared into my brain until I am put in the ground because it was on such heavy rotation for so long when I was a kid, I was struck by a line in the chorus today.

"If I have to, I can do anything"

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

Today, I didn't hear it as, "If I have to, I can do anything." What I heard was, "If I HAVE TO, I can do anything."

"Don't fuck with me, Mr. Man! If I HAVE TO, I can do anything! Now, take out the trash. Not that I can't, I can. I just don't want to. I want you to. But I could, because I am your equal. And pick the dog shit up in the yard while you're out there. I mean, I could if I had to, because I am your equal, but I don't want to. I just want to make sure you know that I could. And pick up that dead spider in the bathroom. . ."

Ladies, here's a secret. We really like to spoil you. Don't fuck it up.


At 9:46 AM , Blogger Aunt B said...

Woo-hoo! Two whole minutes a month! Slowly, slowly, I taint you. My evil plan is working. Soon it will be thirty seconds a day. And someday, when your daughter comes home from school and says "My math teacher says that I have to sit in the front of the class because girls don't get math as well as boys, even though I'm getting an A- in the class, which is better than most of the boys and I think he's trying to look down my shirt," you will be transformed into a feminist! An angry, ass-kicking, name-taking feminist. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

This small victory tastes so good (though admittedly, not as good as bacon in a cast iron skillet) I must go be alone for a moment to savor it.

At 9:59 AM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

How dare you imply that my daughter would get an A MINUS in any subject.

She's going to kick ass in home ec.

At 1:24 PM , Blogger bridgett said...

Yeah, I think you are scanning that lyric correctly. If I have to. I guess.

So, you can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan? I bet you never never never forget you're a man, either.

I kicked ass in home ec. It was mandatory in my high school for girls...didn't hurt me any and now I'm the only professor in the college who can do her own tailoring.

At 9:07 PM , Blogger Tennessee Jed said...

Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand why women have used me far more and far worse than I them.

At 11:46 AM , Blogger Exador said...

I think you are projecting your own experience, Aunt B. Your math teacher was probably drawn in by the boob freckle.

At 11:38 PM , Blogger Memphis Steve said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 11:41 PM , Blogger Memphis Steve said...

Careful. You're criticizing the official religion of the United States Government. They'll come after you for that, loaded will billions of taxpayer dollars to help preach their faith in female supremacy and eternal male blame.


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