Nashville Knucklehead

Marketing the Vote

I used to live in Plam Beach County, Florida, which is the lowest circle of hell you can get to and still be in the United States. As a Palm Beach County resident, I was involved in a controversial little event you might recall, the 2000 election. I voted on the infamous butterfly ballot. I may have left my chad dangling, I guess I'll never know.

I got my "Official Sample Ballot" in the mail yesterday for the upcoming election here in Tennessee and Davidson County.

There is a man named John Jay Hooker running for both Governor and US Senator. If he wins both, he'll be a very busy man. Maybe former Nashville Mayor Bill Boner can come out of retirement. What a great ticket that would be, Hooker and Boner. The last name on page two is Bob Krumm. He's been in several times where I work. Therefore, unless Manuel Fonseca makes a last minute charge and comes in and spends some serious cash, I support Bob.

The only candidate running for Tennessee House in the 56th district for the Democratic Primary is "Write-In." Which, of course, is code for Rex L. Camino. In the Republican Primary for Tennessee Senate, there is a candidate named Ray "Chip" T. Throckmorton, III. Should you really be running for public office if you use quotation marks around a nickname as part of your official name? (I know a small group of people who were so inspired by his name, they have named a sexual manoeuver after it: "Last night I pulled a Throckmorton on the little lady. She loved it.)

There is a candidate for Circuit Court Judge named Hamilton "Kip" Gayden. More quotations. And another great ticket, Get out and vote for "Chip" and "Kip"."Kip" is running against Rex "Rex" L. Camino.

There is a guy running for Metro Council named Timothy Bruce Lee. He threw in his middle name just to let you know he's gonna kick your ass if you don't vote for him. There is another guy named Robert Duvall. We could have one tough council.

On the back page is where we get the condescending instructions on touch screen voting. The title is Touch Screen Voting Easy as One, Two, Three. Good Lord, election marketing people. Last time I checked, you had to be 18 to vote. "Easy as one, two three" is something you say to a Pre-Schooler. It goes on with shit like:

Touch "Review Ballot" to review your selections.

Thanks, I would hate to go into the booth without that tidbit of information.

Then there's this:

"Thank you for "Voting" means your vote has been cast.

Hey, more quotation marks! "Wheeeee." I thought quotation marks came in even numbered lots, but in an election, all quotation mark rules are off.

Look, if you can't figure out how to touch a candidate's name and press vote when you are finished, stay home. I don't want you voting. You're too stupid to have a say in the government. It takes me back to the butterfly ballot. I almost voted for the wrong guy. Almost. But, you know what, I didn't. It wasn't nearly as confusing as the pissed-off old men in Del Boca Vista would have you believe.

I hope they put a copy/paste feature on the write-in option. I don't want to type Camino's name in twenty times. I'm voting for him for everything. Except for Krumm.

posted by Nashville Knucklehead @ 9:45 AM