Monday, September 18, 2006

Go Flaming Thumbtacks!

I don't know what Billy Volek did to piss off the Titans' coaching staff, but it must have been a doosey. For them to think that getting a guy off his couch a week before the season starts is better than promoting your back-up for the last however many years, Volek must have pissed in Fisher's gas tank or something. Kerry Collins doesn't even know the guys' names he's throwing to, much less how they run their routes.

There's something fishy going on there. It reminds me of a something I wrote way back when, before most of you started coming here to read my crap. It was called "The Titans put the Fun in Dysfunction." So, as an inspiration to all lazy bloggers everywhere, I am going to repost it here, misspellings and all. If you've already read it, you are free to go.


Disclaimer: I am a pro football fan and a fan of the Tennessee Titans.

Now that I got that out of the way, I say the Titans need to just start all over again. I'm not talking about firing Jeff Fisher or trading Pacman, I'm talking about wiping the slate clean and completely starting over again.

Gather 'round children and listen to a tale of a completely dysfunctional NFL football franchise.

Once upon a time, Bud Adams got into a pissing contest with the city of Houston over the construction of a new stadium. Nashville pulled Bud aside and said, "We'll give you whatever you want, Buddy boy, if you'll move your team to Nashville." Bud said, "Anything I want? OK, Nashville, you've got yourself a professional tackle football team!"

Problem was, Nashville didn't have a stadium for them to play in. So we turned to Memphis, a city that already had a stadium and had been trying to land an NFL franchise for years. Now, Nashville and Memphis have a wonderful relationship where genteel Southern protocol masks a deeply rooted venomous acriomony that I can only compare to Aunt Bea and Clara at a Mayberry pickling contest.

So, Nashville turned to Memphis and said, "Memphis, we here in Nashville, the Capital of our great state of Tennessee, have managed to do something you couldn't do for years, not that you didn't try your best, bless your hearts, which is land an NFL franchise. Now this team is going to play for all of the citizens of the great State of Tennessee (under the breath: even all the thugs and criminals in Memphis), so do be a dear won't you, and let us use your cute little ol' Liberty Bowl until we build a real stadium here in the Capital of the great state of Tennessee, Nashville.

Now Memphis was stuck, because it would be completely against good Southern decorum to say no, so Memphis plastered on a most sarcastic fake smile and said, "Why, we'd be delighted to host your football team for a couple of years, after all, as you said, it is a team for all the citizens of the great state of Tennessee." (translation: We've been trying to get a team here for decades, even going so far as to have a USFL franchise, then you come along, flop down on your back and open your legs, uh, excuse us, we mean wallets for Bud Adams, promising the keys to the city and a hooker in every locker, and you want us to let them play here until you've built a stadium?!? You've completely lost your fucking minds!!")

So announcements were made and press releases sent and the team moved to the banks of the mighty Mississippi, and the thugs and criminals, er . . uh, I mean fine citizens of Memphis did the unthinkable. They stayed away in droves. So Nashville said, "Bless your hearts, Memphis, we really appreciate everything you've done, but we're going to go ahead and move the team here, to the Capital of the great state of Tennessee, so the team can really start playing for all of the citizens of the great State of Tennessee (even all the thugs and criminals in Memphis)." And so the Tennessee Oilers played at Vanderbilt. A true low point in the history of the NFL.

Then they decided to change the name to something more Tennessee-like. After much debate and water-cooler talk, the announcement was made: the Tennessee TITANS!!

Fans: huh?

You know, Greek Mythology? The titans were a race of gods who were the parents and precursors of the Olympians. You know, Atlas, Hyperion, Kronos? Nashville is the Athens of the South, right? Anyone?

Fans: huh?

OK, OK, how about this --they were great and mighty giants who took no prisioners and could whip everybody's ass!!

Fans: Whip everybody's ass?!? Yaaaaaaaay Titans!

So we get this team named after the gods of Greek literature who, by the way, were soundly defeated by a younger generation of dieties led by Zeus (whose last name -- few people know this -- was Manning), a team whose moniker is most recently associated with a cruise ship that hit an iceberg and sank on its maiden voyage, and we construct them a big building to play in on the East Bank and we call it the Coliseum, which is a big building from Roman literature. In Greece there would be a Stadium. Oops!

Greek, Roman, what's the difference? That's like saying there's a difference between Afghanistan and Iraq.

Then we get the logo. Is it a great and mighty giant from Greek literature, marauding around the gridiron, taking no prisioners and whipping everybody's ass? No, it is (drumroll, please) a flaming comet with three stars surrounding a dagger in the shape of a "T"!!!!!!

Fans: huh?

Then we got our mascot. Is it a great and mighty giant from Greek literature, marauding around the gridiron, taking no prisioners and whipping everybody's ass? No, it is (drumroll please) a raccoon!!!

Fans: huh?

OK, first the logo. The fire represents the fire that burns in the bellies of all our players, the dagger is representative of the "fight to the death" mentality we will bring to all our games, and the stars are taken from the Tennessee flag, because this team is here to play for all of the citizens of the great State of Tennessee (even all the thugs and criminals in Memphis).

Fans: huh?

OK, how about the mascot. The raccoon has a ubiquitous presence throughout Tennessee, and has been important throughtout our history. You remember Davy Crockett and his coonskin cap? And the "T" in his name, T-Rac, stands for Tennessee, because the Titans play for all of the citizens of the great State of Tennessee (even all the thugs and criminals in Memphis).

Fans: huh?

OK, OK, how about this -- In ancient times, a great and mighty giant from Greek literature once rode a firey comet through the three stars of sport and competition and landed in Rome, where he went to the Coliseum with his mighty T-shaped dagger and his trusty companion, his raccoon T-Rac, and proceded to take no prisioners and whip everybody's ass!!!

Fans: Whip everybody's ass?!?! Yaaaaaaaaay Titans!!

And that is where we stand today. So it is time to start over. This team isn't the "Tennessee" Titans anymore than the NBA team in Memphis is the "Tennessee" Grizzlies. I will bet you a PSL that there aren't any more than a handful of season ticket holders from Memphis. Or Knoxville or Chattanooga or Johnson City for that matter. It is Nashville's team. So, now that we suck and the team is completely off the national media radar, it is time for a total makeover. I'll start by submitting that the team should be renamed the Nashville Knuckleheads. And the logo should be a mighty fist. And the mascot should, of course, be me.

I'll dress with the cheerleaders.


At 11:32 AM , Blogger Kerry Woo said...


Rename the stadium to CLC Field or the Bud Hole.

I prefer the Nashville Groin Pullers. The cheerleaders could be the Velveteen Rabbits.


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