Wednesday, August 30, 2006

TOO SEXY!!!

I am not looking for a new house. I do, however, like to pick up real estate magazines at the grocery just to see what kind of houses are available that I can't afford in parts of town that wouldn't have me. I've been doing this for some time, and I am convinced of one thing: Realtors are actually taught bad writing and marketing skills in Realtor school. It was bad in Florida and it is bad here and I'm sure it's bad anywhere you go.

I'm sure most of these people are fine, educated folks, but they are saddled with the task of making every listing sound like the house of my dreams, but some houses are just crappy. They can't write, "roach infested crack house," so they say, "charming investment property, rent paid in cash." But using lawyer-worthy verbiage isn't enough so they they resort to other abuses of the language. It is painful to read.

First up, exclaimation points. I hate exclaimation points. Most of them use so many that they have to resort to double and triple exclaimation points. They use all caps. The man on page 15 of this month's riveting magazine has one listing that starts
ONE OF THE BUILDER'S MOST POPULAR PLANS!!
And he ends the listing with
Priced to sell at $344,900!
He has six listings on the entire page, three have exclaimation points at the price, and one says, I kid you not:
Priced at $2,499,000!!!
I guess that a 2 1/2 million dollar house is tripley exciting to that guy. Especially if he gets a six percent commission.

Then there is the guy on page ten, who is such a lazy marketer that he starts three of the seven listings on his page with
EMBRACED BY NATURAL BEAUTY
Couldn't he at least given us one "park-like setting" and one "bucolic dream"? They also insisit on using their headshots to differentiate or personalize themselves. The problem is, they are all dressed the same. Every realtor in this book, man or woman, has on a smart, black business suit. Besides, who cares what you look like? You're selling a house, not a date.

One proven marketing method that they never use is sex. I got news, Realtors, sex sells. I think I'm going to go to Realtor school, and when I get out, I'm going to use sex to sell houses. I'll call my agency Frankie Goes to Goodlettsville and every listing will simply say
I'M TOO SEXY FOR THIS HOUSE!!!!

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