Nashville Knucklehead

Start It Up

Ten months ago, in the conference room . . .

Director: All right, what are we going to do about halftime this year? I want clean-cut music, no wardrobe malfunctions.

Intern: Well, sir, Detroit is "Motown." Maybe we should have a Motown revue.

Director: No, no, no. Nobody who watches football cares about black music. We'll give them something before the game, maybe the anthem. I want something to rival Pat McCarthy from last year.

Assistant: It was Paul McCartney, sir.

Director: What about the Beatles? Who handles them?

Intern: Uh, two of them are dead. Sir, Kid Rock is from Detroit. So is Eminem. They're both wildly popular.

Director: Those foul-mouthed rapper punks?! No way! I said I want clean cut. This is the Super Bowl, dammit! Think big, people, think big!

Assistant: Well, sir, Jessica Simpson is very popular these days, with her reality show and marriage and. . .

Director: Have you lost your mind? Her tits are way to big! We'll have Mothers Against Tits and Ass all over us.

Intern: We could get Big and Rich and Gretchen Wilson and Tim McGraw and . . .

Director: Aren't they Country and Western? This is the Super Bowl! We're not going to have some kind of hillbilly hoedown for our halftime show! Remember a couple of years ago, we had Arrowswitch with that other big-tittied blonde? That was a good show!

Assistant: Uh, It's Aerosmith sir, and the blond is named Britney Spears. She's not exactly squeaky clea . . .

Director: I've got it! Who handles the Rolling Stones? Get them on the phone, see if they're available. This is the Super Bowl, I want the greatest rock and roll band in the world! What a stroke of brilliance! The most popular sport in the world with the greatest band in American history! Get me the Rolling Stones!

Intern: Uh, sir, soccer is actually the most popular sport in the world. And, uh, the Rolling Stones are British.

Director: They have a string of hits a mile long. "Waiting for my Friend," "Jumping Jacks Fast," "Honky Tonk Hero," Our sponsors are going to love it!

Assistant: Sir, the agent says they'll do it, but they want to play one of their new singles.

Director: Tell them that's fine, as long as they open with "Start It Up." That's one of my favorites.

Intern: Uh, sir, "Start Me Up" has an off-color line about a dead man having an orgasm.

Director: Bullshit! The Rolling Stones are squeaky clean! What's that song they did, "Pinball Whizzer?" Yeah, that's it. Pinball is all-American, not like you and your mindless video games. This is going to be the best halftime show ever!

Assistant: Sir, that wasn't the Rolling Sto. . .

Director: I can't wait to meet them! Nick Jaggerd is a legend!

Intern: Sir, I'm not sure the younger viewers are going to like this choice. Those guys are really old and scary looking. They look like skeletons. And Mick Jagger, when he takes off his jacket, his upper arms are really jiggly, you know, "substitute teacher arms." Nobody under the age of 40 cares about the Rolling Stones.

Director: You listen to me! Nobody under the age of 40 buys Cadillacs or uses FedEx. That's why I'm the director and you're the intern. When you have my job, you can pick the band. I want the Rolling Stones! Book 'em! Now, somebody find out if we can get Ray Charles to do the National Anthem . . .

posted by Nashville Knucklehead @ 9:42 AM