Thursday, January 19, 2006

Satur-gay Night's All Wrong

You said "somebody."

What are you doing? Wait. No, No, No. You're not going to . . .

Don't. You. Dare.

Oh, Good God. You did it.

You said, "he." I heard you plain as day. You said, "he." How could you do such a thing?!?

Look, I know you're gay. Everybody knows you're gay. I mean everybody. I know what a struggle you went through early in your life and what a monumental decision it was for you to come out. But believe me, we knew already. Telling us you were gay was as shocking as telling us water is wet. I know you danced with personal demons for decades, and you feel comfortable and free in your gay lifestyle. So go ahead, be gay. I don't care, not one little bit. But, for God's sake, have some decency. Be a professional.

I know the words. I know them as well as my mother's voice or my kid's birthday. I've known them for 30 years. I didn't mishear you. You were supposed to say:

"They're packed pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a dolly who'll see me right"

You said, "I'm looking for somebody to see me right."

That is an impossible mistake for you to make. I knew you were up to to something, you little scoundrel. So I paid attention. Hard. You were supposed follow it with:

"I may use a little muscle to get what I need
I might sink a little drink and shout out, 'She's with me'"

You said, "he's with me." You fucking said, "he's" with me!"

The worst thing was, you tried to sneak it by us, no fanfare, no wink, no sly raising of an eyebrow. I have a 52" flat screen with high-def digital cable and dolby surround system built into the walls and ceiling. The camera was tight on your face. The volume was up. It wasn't a mistake. You changed the words. You said "he." You made it gay.

I didn't really like it when you changed "Goodbye Norma Jean" to "Goodbye English Rose." But I know Diana was your friend, and it was a time of great sorrow. I'll give you a pass on that one.

But dude, you can't go back and gay-ify that song. It is one of the most recognized songs in the history of popular music. It's not "Saturday Night's Alright for Decorating." It's "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" for God's sake. It's getting drunk and fighting over a hot street-tough chick in some smokey bar in Liverpool or Manchester. It's not getting drunk and fighting over some dude in leather chaps with a handlebar moustache in a bar on Duval Street in Key West.

Until this moment, the image I had in my head during that song was James Dean throwing back a shot of whiskey and landing a right cross to Brando's jaw so he could steal away into the night with Natalie Wood. By changing that one little word, I now picture Richard Simmons taking the last sip of his Kir Royale and bitch-slapping a squealing Christopher Lowell so he can steal away into the night with Anderson Cooper.

Is that what you want? Is that really what you want?

Good God, what's next? "Do Let Your Son Go Down on Me"? "Cockophile Rock"?

Stop the madness. I'm begging you.

13 Comments:

At 9:52 AM , Anonymous Mo said...

Am I missing something, or are you bitching about turning Elton John songs gay?

Elton John.

The new poster child for gay marriage.

 
At 12:36 PM , Blogger Kat Coble said...

The thing that cheeses me is that those AREN'T EVEN HIS F(*^^*&^*&*^& LYRICS TO CHANGE.

Dude, sing the song as written. You wrote the music. A straight guy wrote the words. Sing the friggin' straight guy words. If you wanna gay it up, add a little harpsichord solo or something.

 
At 1:12 PM , Blogger Aunt B said...

Wait a second. How is James Dean punching Marlon Brando less gay than Richard Simmons slapping Christopher Lowell?

 
At 4:01 PM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

I don't know about that, but I do know that Richard Simmons fighting Christopher Lowell over the charms of Anderson Cooper is a hilarious visual to me. I'd love to see them do a sitcom together. It'd be better than Will and Grace and that other guy that isn't Will.

I laughed out loud when I wrote it.

Yes, I often crack myself up.

 
At 8:40 AM , Blogger HUCK said...

Dear God!!!

I just had a brilliant idea!

Wait for it...


If you don't like what he's singing, then don't go to his shows.

Christ! Sometimes I amaze even myself...

Hey, anybody ever heard of the term, 'artistic license'? No?

 
At 11:06 AM , Blogger Kat Coble said...

Weeeellll. I think the point is

a) He apparantly saw it on TV

b) He watched the show expecting to see a performance of a charttopping song that 90% of the world knows. He expected to be able to sing along with that rowdy, drinking, cockslapping strut of a song. As do most people who know it. It's a FRIGGING ANTHEM about nihilst ass-kicking. Songs have meaning to the people who adopt them into their lifestyle. Picture going to a Village People concert and having them turn "YMCA" into a pitch for salvation, now that one of them has found Jesus. That would suck just as bad.

"Young man. There's a place you can go.
I said young man, There's a God you can know..."

 
At 11:35 AM , Blogger HUCK said...

...and YOUR point is...?


Sorry if I got the venue wrong, but the solution is still essentially the same. In fact, it's easier: Change the channel.

BTW. They still sell the older recordings with the original 'less offensive' lyrics.

God, how I've missed our little battles...

 
At 12:04 PM , Blogger Kat Coble said...

I was beginning to think you had Changed Life's Channel and gone on to The Other Side.

I was even looking up that guy who talks to dead people, but seeing as how you don't believe in that stuff I assumed you wouldn't answer my call.

 
At 12:59 PM , Blogger HUCK said...

I did.

I've come back to haunt you.

Notice how nobody else is replying to my comments? You're the only one who can read them.....................................................................................................

 
At 3:49 PM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

Mycropht And Huck -- I assume you two have met.

Wouldn't the gay version be more of a "cockslapping strut" than the original?

Thank you for that word. You come on back anytime.

Cockslapping strut - heh,heh,heh - It sounds like a description of Freddie Mercury's stage presense from a 1985 concert review.

 
At 4:09 PM , Blogger HUCK said...

I don't know.
When I read "cockslapping strut", I have more of an image of John Cleese in a stretch-legged-gait sneeking up to beat Graham Chapman brutely about the head and shoulders with a black rubber dildo.

Actually, I'm not sure whether that would be the gay version or not.

...or was that a rubber chicken...?

...a herring?

 
At 4:59 PM , Blogger dailydiablogger said...

OMG... I don't think I could live another day if I found out that Anderson Cooper was gay.

 
At 5:10 PM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

Naaaaah. No more so than Paul Lynde or Greg Louganis.

 

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