Tuesday, January 10, 2006

My Comcastical Big Brother

I made the grave mistake of trying to move the modem in my house from the living room to the kitchen. My internet didn't work anymore, even when I moved it back where it started. If you've ever dealt with Comcast Tech Support, you'll appreciate how freaky it can be.

Thank you for calling comcast support, can I have your phone number with the area code please?

615 555 1234

Is this Mr. Knuck L. Head on Oak Street in Nashville, Tennessee?

Yes, I need you to turn my modem back on. I tried to move it into the kitchen and now it doesn't work.

I want you to unplug the modem and the router, turn off your computer, wait a full minute, then plug everything back in and restart your computer.

I've tried that three times already, I was just . . ."

That's OK. I'm used to it.

My computer is old, it takes a long time to restart.

That's OK, Mr. Head. I'll wait.

(Long and uncomfortable silence)

Where are you?

I'm in Guelph, Ontario. It is a small town outside of Toronto. OK, now I am going to try to turn your modem on.


Mr. Head?


I think I may have found the problem. You tried to move the modem into the kitchen at 8:43 a.m., right?


OK, the modem must have reset itself. Oh, wait. Yesterday at 9:42 p.m. you were in your blue bathroom with your laptop on fetish world and you clicked a banner ad from fatties and preggos dot com, is that right?

Uh . . .well . . .I

OK, it looks like you inadvertently released the "lonely man" virus onto your system. It either came from there or from the approximately 36 minutes you spent on sexy grannies and trannies dot com this morning, before you tried to move your modem.

Wait, I don't know what. . . I mean . . .

Oh, I'm sorry, I was mistaken.


Here it is, Mr. Head. What happened was, last night, when you ordered Hot Latin Chickas 4 on Pay Per View at 10:21 p.m., it mistakenly kicked in a parental control on your high-speed internet service, and when you moved your modem into your kitchen, an old cookie set by slutty white chicks enormous black dicks dot com caused the system to shut itself down. I can turn it on, if you'll just go into the playroom and turn off your daughter's Light Bright.

What? Turn off her . . .

Yes, sir, the new model Light Bright sometimes interferes with our signal. It is a bug in our system we are trying to work out with Hasbro. Is she enjoying the Bella Dancerella DVD she got for Christmas?

Uh, yeah . . . how do you . . .

They're so cute at that age. That should do it. Is your modem working now?

Yes. Uh . . . yes it is. I guess that's . . .

Oh, and Mr. Head?


I'm going to go ahead and add the extra cable line you split off and ran to your pool on Sept 21st at 3:31 p.m. to your bill. We'd hate for you to miss any games next summer. And one more thing.


Just a friendly reminder, if you don't get your minimum payment in by tomorrow on your Citibank card, they are going to raise your interest rate. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Uh, no. . .thanks.

No problem sir, thank you for calling Comcast High-Speed Internet.


At 11:23 AM , Blogger KellyKline said...

Had a similar incident with Comcast last night. Called and wanted to add Showtime ... since I have a new account and am on an "introductory offer" they couldn't just add it for the $12.99 a month, they'd have to reconfigure my whole package ... making it a whopping $80 more per month! After talking with the customer service rep for a while, asking for a manager, explaining that all I wanna do is watch "The L Word", and then being put on hold for 15 minutes, she finally added Showtime. Ugh!


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