Monday, January 30, 2006

Warm Beer! Get Your Warm Beer Here!

I had to open one of the cold beers I picked up a minute ago at my neighborhood convenience store before I tackled this one:

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) -- A state senator wants to force Missouri stores to sell warm beer. Under a bill by Sen. Bill Alter, grocery and convenience stores would risk losing their liquor licenses if they sold beer colder than 60 degrees. The intent is to cut down on drunken driving by making it less tempting to pop open a beer after leaving the store.

"The only reason why beer would need to be cold is so that it can be consumed right away," Alter, who has been a police offer for more than 20 years, said Thursday.

He said the idea came from a fifth-grade student in Jefferson County who was participating in a program to teach elementary students about state government. He sought their suggestions for new laws and chose the cold beer ban from a list of the top three ideas.

"I thought it had the best chance at getting legislative attention," said Alter, R-High Ridge. "Plus, I think it's a good idea whether or not other people do."

Dear Esteemed Honorable Legislator Officer Citizen Missourian Colonel Alter,

I travel. I have been to your state. I will not return.

You must be wondering why.

Is it because I often stop to buy cold beer for the cooler on the way to a day of skiing and boating and swimming with my friends on one of your beautiful lakes?


Is it because when I am traveling I don't always have a refrigerator in my hotel room and I might want to have a cold beer while watching your local news?


Is it because voters in your state elected a self-righteous blowhard who introduces absurd alcohol-control legislation suggested by a 10-year-old that he thinks "is a good idea whether or not other people do?"

No, Mr. Alter, it is because you haven't taken this brilliant idea of overarching legislative societal protection nearly far enough. Obviously, out-of-control alcoholics could buy warm beer and use newfangled "refrigeration" technology to chill it. The only reason for a person to chill beer is to consume it right away, get in a car and run over puppies and minorities. My four-year-old suggests that you ban all refrigerators that chill below 60 degrees.

But wait, what about cold weather? Unemployed, homeless, tatooed, ex-convict, non-rehabilitated, recently paroled serial rapists could use snow drifts to chill warm beer after they steal it, consume it right away, hot wire cars and crash them into innocent poplars and elms, thereby driving up insurance rates and driving down photosynthesis rates for all Missouri-ites. My arborist suggests you ban any accumulated precipitation that registers below 60 degrees.

But wait, in France, when they aren't drinking wine, they drink warm beer. Once you ban cold beer, the only thing left will be warm French beer. Hard-working, adult, church-going, tax-paying, non-hispanic, caucasian Missouri union members could buy above-60-degree French beer, be confused by the labels, accidentally consume it right away while driving and kill both French and non-French tourists. Those tourists' deaths would prevent them from spending their pesos and francs and lira in your state, leaving a budget shortfall which could drive up property taxes and interest rates, thereby increasing the number of mortgage defaults and home repossessions, making education a burden for Missouri families, forcing you to legalize gambling and prostitution and cock fighting and crack just to make ends meet. That is a very slippery slope, my friend. Missouri native Sheryl Crow
suggests you ban France.

Obviously, until you do, people will drink and drive and kill kittens and endangered snail darters and the ozone layer and lots of other stuff.

I was going to go to Busch (what incredible irony!!!) Stadium next summer to take in a game, but the thought of drinking warm French beer at a baseball game in the heartland of our great nation seems unpatriotic. You, sir, are obviously nothing more than a family-hating, baseball-bashing, France-loving, leftist, reactionary, right-wing, Bush-booing, knee-jerk, bleeding-heart, evil-doing, designated-hitter supporting, waffling, ultra-conservative, fence-sitting, anti-American, unfair and unbalanced Taliban sympathizer.

"Show me" some tourist dollars? Not until you get tough on France, buddy.


Knuck L. Head
Non-Missouri-Bound, Traveling, Money-Spending, Cold-Budweiser-Drinking Nashvillian


At 10:15 AM , Blogger Kat Coble said...

Well, at least he openly admitted that this policy came from the brain of a 10-year old. I feel lately that most laws must, because they seem that stupid.

Am I the only one who finds taking law points from 10 year olds to be ridiculous? 10-year-olds still have a bedtime and an allowance. They don't balk at the issue of governmental bedtimes, allowances or the equivalent.


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