Friday, December 23, 2005

Pornification of CSPAN2

One last bourbon away from bedtime the other night, I noticed that CSPAN2 was running something called the Pornification of America. Oh, yeah, I had to stop at that one. Well, I dropped in on the middle of a roundtable discussion at New York University featuring four women, age 35ish to 55ish, most (all) of them Jewish, and a black guy who was there because he is a "hip hop expert." One of the women has written a book called "The Pornification of America." She did lots of research. She begins many sentences with this line: "Every man I talked to who uses porn . . ." and would then follow it up with things like, "starts out with still pictures, but eventually needs films of more deviant behavior." or "ends up neglecting his relationship by spending hours alone with his porn." or "follows the destructive path of porn to its eventual, ultimate end, which is ending up in prison as a baby raper."

OK, I am paraphrasing all of that and I made the last one up. As I mentioned, there was bourbon ingested by the viewer.

Then, and I remember this clearly, she was making a point about how every woman she talked to who was in a relationship with a man who uses porn felt demeaned and objectified, trying to live up to the impossible standards set by these magazines and websites, blah, blah, blah. And then she flat-out said said that Maxim magazine was porn.

Way to perpetuate the frigid uptight New York Jewish woman stereotype, sweetie.

My rebuttal:
Give me a fucking break.

To Elaborate:
First off, as a card-carrying subscriber to Maxim (I know, 42 is kind of old, but I like it) let me point out that Maxim is funny. Every line of every issue is written with tounge planted firmly in cheek. It is a humor magazine for men. And they make no apologies that men like to look at impossibly beautiful women in tiny bathing suits,with come-hither stares and all flaws airbrushed away. There is never any nudity. Porn, my ass.

Also, when she says "Every man I talked to who uses porn" she is implying that there are men who don't "use porn." Any man who makes that claim is lying. I'm quite sure that 90% of the men that "use porn" don't let it escalate into S&M and Beastiality.

As far as the poor gals who are the victims of porn: if your boyfriend or husband is pointing to a picture of Jenny McCarthy and telling you that you would be a better woman if you had boobs like hers, or is locked in his office jerking off while you are lying in bed, longing for an intimate encounter, then you are living with with an ass. Lots of men are assholes. Women point that out to us all the time. Leave him! Don't blame Playboy magazine or NakedFatties.com. Pack your shit and find someone with a sense of decency.

What struck me the most was that these highly offended, hyper-scholarly women ignored the whole reason porn exists -- the prostate gland. Much like men will never understand PMS, women will never really understand the male sex drive. See, we have this sperm factory, the prostate, that runs 24/7 and there is nothing we can do about it. It keeps pumping those little fuckers out by the millions, mixes them with a little money-shot juice, and sends them on down the line. So it starts getting full down there, and Testicles say, "Yo, Penis, let Brain know we're starting to fill up down here." Penis does so, and Brain responds with, "I'm sorry, Penis, but I am in a loving, committed relationship with a woman I respect for her mind and personality as much as her body, and she is not interested in having sex right now, so I'm going to have to ignore your request." This process continues and the stuff keeps backing up until finally Testicles and Penis are screaming, "Listen here, you fucking dipshit of a Brain, we are backed up like the Long Island Expressway at 5 on a Friday, Prostate won't back off, and if you don't do something about it WE ARE LITERALLY GOING TO EXPLODE LEAVING A GAPING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BODY!!!!!" That is when we go into the bathroom and lock the door.

So this whole deal is like talking about the "Alcoholication of America" because beer is prevalently displayed in nearly every store across our country. There are certain adult activities that are pleasurable, but require self-control and responsibility. These are usually the activities that the government feels compelled to regulate, like drinking, sex, gambling and driving fast.

Fortuately, these women at the porn symposium are really doing nothing more than scaring the shit out of all the grandparents who stay up late watching CSPAN2. While my relationship history may not be a statisically significant sample of the entire female population, I will say that I have experienced the pleasures of the flesh with more than a handful of women in my 27 years of activity. And I am happy to report that in my experience, most women really, really, really, really like having sex. Even the Jewish ones (oh, yeah, Cindy the Dancer, around 1986. She was a screamer. She used to have this way of putting her legs . . .) So ladies, I respect you, I admire you and in some cases, I really want to have sex with you. Now I gotta head to the bathroom. The new Maxim is here.

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