Monday, December 26, 2005

The Nun Bun and Miracle Grits

The Nun Bun was stolen. Crime of the century here in Nashville. What kind of evil-doer would want to destroy that world-famous miracle food? I think it was someone on the Metro Council! Somebody call O'Reilly! Another attempt by our Government officials to destroy Christmas!

The Nun Bun was truly a miracle, because Mother Theresa was alive at the time it was miraculously created and we had pictures of her. And it miraculously looked just like her. Really. A miracle, a miracle, a miracle, I say.

But what about all the Jesus and Mary miracle foods? Are they also true miracles? I don't think so. The problem is, we don't really know what either one of those people actually looked like, do we? I'm not completely sure of all the details, but I know that the images we accept of Jesus and Mary today came about like this: Somewhere around 623 A. D. (give or take a couple centuries) the Roman Artist Union Local XXI got together and declared Jesus to have shoulder length brown hair and a beard, and that the Virgin Mary looked like, well, you know, that chick in all the paintings. Turns out that the local union president had long brown hair and a beard, and he wanted Jesus to look like him, because he was a dandy and a narcissist. And the Mary he shoved through commitee, well let's just say that he didn't want his wife to find out about that one. And we know from the movies that even though he was Roman, he spoke with a proper English accent. But I digress.

So is a fishstick with that guy's mug on it really a Miracle? That's debatable. For all we know, Jesus really looked like Dolph Lundgren. Or Jackie Mason. Or James Earl Jones. Or Paul Sr. on American Chopper. Or Big. Or Rich.

But a miracle could happen to you and your food! And I can help! Next Sunday, when you pull your cheese grits casserole out of the oven and you see the guy with the long hair and the beard miraculously singed into the crust on the top, call it a Jesus Miracle if you want. I don't think it will get you too far, maybe the local paper or the lowest rated late night news, but the national media has tired of miracle food stories. So, if you want a true (as in "money making") miracle, call it the Johnny Damon Miracle Cheese Grits Casserole. You would start a bidding war between the Sox fans who would want to destroy it in a "wicked bad" fashion, and the Yankee fans, who would want to display it in a glass case in Yankee Stadium. At least until he goes into a hitting slump next June. And think about it, all those yankees (lower case - - the people from the northeast, not the team) would be in a bidding war over grits. Larry King, Tucker Carlson, Donny Deutch, here you come! Yes, friends, that would truly be a miracle.

On a related note, Kiddo got a Hello Kitty toaster for Christmas yesterday. For those of you who are unaware of this miracle-food-creation machine, you put plain bread that you can buy in any supermarket into the slot, depress the miracle lever, and minutes later that bread is miraculously transformed into toast that has an image of Hello Kitty singed into one side. A miracle, a miracle, a miracle, I say!

Warning: It was reported in Japan that some people may experience spontanious seizures if they look at the Hello Kitty Miracle Toast for extended periods of time.


At 10:27 AM , Blogger Ivy, the Great and Powerful said...

baaahahahahaa! Great post! Hello Kitty, now performing miracles in my house, daily! ;)


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