Nashville Knucklehead

Tagged

CLC tagged me to list six weird things about me. It's Thanksgiving. My kid is in Alabama. I'm just sitting here watching football. Nothing is open. Including where I work. So why not.

1. I can turn my head all the way around, like an owl. Not quite 360 degrees, but close enough.

2. I'm a cannibal. I once came across a dead family whilst hiking in Alaska. I would like to say that I ate them because I was starving, but I had a pack full of food and I was just two hours out of Ketchikan. I field dressed them and slow-smoked them over a hickory fire. (I had brought my own hickory from Tennessee, just in case.) Deeeeeeeeelicious. I have killed and eaten several people since then. The trick is picking people whose absence won't be noticed, like non-english speaking illegal immigrants and politicians. That thing about tasting like chicken -- that's a myth. Humans taste more like a cross between baby seal and bald eagle.

3. I'm allergic to bats.

4. I was born with an extra testicle. My parents were forward-thinking enough to remove it when I was three. My dad and I split a bottle of Jack, and he took it out with his pocket knife. After years of sitting in a jar on my dresser, I finally had it shellacked and mounted on a faux gold chain, which I gave to my first true love, Jodie Foster. Not long after, my best friend at the time, who was insanely jealous of the epic love between me and Jodie, shot the president. Jodie was so impressed with this so-called "friend" that she left me to pursue a relationship with him, taking my testicle necklace with her. They never got together. Hey Jodie, if you're idly Googling yourself this Thanksgiving and you read this -- I want my ball back!

5. I wrote all the lyrics to every song Prince put out for the first 15 years of his career. I never took a dime. I just did it as a favor to the little fella.

6. I once had a torrid affair with Tipper Gore. While she was spending her days standing in front of Congress trying to get censorship labels put on Prince records, she was spending her nights getting her major freak on with me and whatever cheap tramp she might bring bring home from the college bars in Georgetown. We once had a threesome with Ruth Bader Ginsberg. They were both turned on by my fully rotating head and the scar from my amatuerish testicle removal procedure. Newt Gingrich tipped Albert off about our shenanigans, and he confronted me. At first, he didn't want to accept it. I told him that he could call me a liar all he wanted to but it was, in fact, an inconvenient truth. It was around that time that I had invented the internet. I sold him the patent for one dollar in order to avoid what Al called, "inconvenient consequences."

posted by Nashville Knucklehead @ 1:14 PM