Monday, April 03, 2006

Oral Report

The Hottie Who Lets Me See Her Naked has read my crap exactly twice. The first time, she read a story about how I unwittingly got sloppy seconds from a horny schoolteacher. She told me she was no longer interested in reading. It actually took a little pressure off me in deciding what to write about.

Then I went and opened my big yap about my dildo peom. She said she would read it. Problem is, she waited a while before she got around to it, and the first thing she was confronted with was a story that included a naked picture of a girl I dated in college. More than a little miffed, she told me that she is, once again, not interested in reading my crap. And I don't blame her. She said, "Why do you only write about all these other women. Why can't you just write about how I have perfect tits or give fabulous blowjobs?"

Well I could write about those subjects, because they are both true. I could, but I can't. This would turn into one of those sex blogs if I started giving details about, say, what happened yesterday morning. Or yesterday around noon. Or yesterday around 2. Or yesterday around 8:30. I'm not interested in writing about that. And I really doubt that she would truly want me to.

But what struck me was the "give fabulous blowjobs" remark. She does. It is true.

However, I have never met a woman who, if the subject comes up, will not declare that she gives the best blowjobs in the world. Women are very competetive like that. But all they have to go on is feedback from men the do it to. And those men are always going to tell them that they are great, or they risk never getting another one. But do the math. You can't ALL be giving the best blowjobs in the world. It is mathmatically impossible.

So I declare April to be National Improve Your Blowjob Technique Month. There are many films for you to rent or buy that deal with this subject. Just the other day, the Idiot Drummer gave me one of those documentaries as sort of a humorous gift. I believe it was called "Choke on My Chubby." Watch the technique of the professional gals, and try to work it into your own style. And practice, practice, practice. Like any skill, the more you do it, the better you'll become. If you don't currently have anyone readily available to practice on, go to your corner tavern, grocery store or even your house of worship. I'm sure you'll have no touble finding an unattached man who would more than willingly provide his services, usually free of charge, as your practice partner. And if you need objective outside feedback, film your practice sessions and post them on your own blog. That way you'll get lots of outside tips and pointers in your comments.

If everyone participates, we will be much happier as a whole, and our National Productivity will skyrocket. This in turn will bring down the National Debt, allowing us to have socialized healthcare and world peace and free puppies for everybody. So please, do your part.

I'm think May will be Have A Threesome With My Hot Friend From College Month.


At 8:19 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd be willing to bet more women give better blowjobs than more men do.

At 8:51 AM , Blogger Plimco said...

As far as level of difficulty goes...which do you think is...more of a challenge? Honestly. The mouth on the boy parts or the mouth on the girl parts? Let's be honest. I'm not saying that there isn't room for artistic license. There's always room for artistic license, but... As far as sheer level of difficulty goes...

Honestly. Doesn't it just come down to...friction?

At 9:14 AM , Blogger Nashville Knucklehead said...

Honestly. Doesn't it just come down to...friction?

Doesn't making wine just come down to finding some grapes and letting the juice go bad?

At 9:20 AM , Blogger Plimco said...

You said, "letting the juice go bad". HA! sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really a mature person. I swear...



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